Thursday, June 16, 2011

Who am I and what have they done with Reya?



"The courageous among us will purposely spoil the sleekest form of our story." ~Barry, of Astrobarry, Astrology for People Who Think

Did you feel the power of yesterday's eclipse? I did. I really did. I "listened" carefully, tuned in to one of the darkest lunar eclipses in history. Holy cow.

The insights I received from the deep listening were wrenching, but resonant. Whoa! Deep truths came to me; the experience was profound. But what was in many ways more interesting than the insights themselves was my reaction. It would have been characteristic to draw my sword, engage in battle with the information - you know - push it away, deny it or perhaps get angry, try to figure out who to blame. Maybe I would have tried fighting with God (I love a good argument with the Divine, I really do - though of course I always lose those arguments).

It would also be characteristic to respond by collapsing, deflating. I might very well have just crawled under the covers for the duration. I've retreated in the face of big truths in the past, certainly.

Miraculously, I was able to take a breath when the lightbulb over my head switched on. I'm proud to report that I neither pushed the information away nor was I taken aback or hurt. I'll be processing this experience for awhile, that's for sure, but I don't feel wounded or pissed off. Maybe I'm in shock. Or maybe I'm making room for this new perspective, letting it settle down. My fists are unclenched and my heart is rather open. Honestly, this is a miracle.

Also it didn't hurt that yesterday my iphone arrived. What a miraculous piece of media. Ahhhh ... a well timed spoonful of sugar really does help the medicine go down! Oh yeah.

Time is my ally at the moment, providing what I need when I need it. Knowing full well that I might be griping and complaining again before you know it, I am nevertheless VERY grateful right now, in this moment, to feel rather graceful. This is SO not me! Ha.

Shalom.

15 comments:

Reya Mellicker said...

What came to me might not sound that important, but it was. I already knew that my parents had a very hard time loving me. They wanted to, but they didn't "get" me. What came to me yesterday is that my parents didn't even LIKE me. Oh lord, no wonder I have engaged in impossible relationships all my life, no wonder I've struggled so hard with self esteem. Bloody hell.

Dan Gurney said...

Good insights. Not uncommon, really.

I wonder... did your parents' parents like them when they grew up? Stuff like this is so often deeply rooted in our ancestors and gets passed down the line. Good stuff to process and unravel. It CAN be done. I know.

I began by parenting myself, nurturing myself in ways my parents coulda shoulda done for me, but didn't. Eventually--long path--I came to forgive them and grieve for me and finally discover the often hidden love they did have for me.

jeanette from everton terrace said...

What a very sad loss for them. Poor people missed out on quite a lot I think.

Daisy said...

Familiar insight Reya, and one that leads to new growth and joy. As others wrote: "not uncommon" and "poor people missed out". I also had to heal and learn ...

Daisy and Barbara

Reya Mellicker said...

My parents liked my siblings very much - they all had a lot in common. I was the weirdo in my family. Lord knows, they tried.

As soon as the insight came to me I could "see" my parents in my mind's eye. They quickly said, "But - we like you now!!" Very sweet.

I spent years forgiving them and healing, but didn't have a language for the experience. It is a great healing, I blame no one, not even me for taking this long to figure it out.

Blessing and releasing. Oh yeah.

ellen abbott said...

similar story. I think my parent's loved me, well, my father, when I wasn't pissing him off. My mother, well, she wasn't really capable I don't think. I know she never felt loved by her mother. So while they probably loved me in the ways that they could, they did not understand me at all. at times it seemed like they wanted me to be a free spirit but at the same time, every time I chose the free spirit stuff they hammered me down. they wanted me to be a free spirit in the mold they were comfortable with. I don't think they ever understood the irony of that. I had a lot of anger towards them for a long time. later, I sort of got closer to my father but my mother and I just got farther and farther apart.

glnroz said...

self esteem? I find the Lady Reya very interesting and in tune.

Reya Mellicker said...

Ah, Glenn, I am much more interesting in blog posts than in "real" life. Oh yeah.

steven said...

i like the line of thinking that dan suggests. i have parented myself by learning as much as i can about the why and the how of my parents. i know what i need and they had to figure it out with very few clues. plus they had to deal with someone so very unlike both of them. how could they have known?! no wonder they wanted me dead! then, when i got my own space, they wanted me very much alive. ha!!! so that's what it's all about. reya - you are more reya even than before. really you are!!! steven

Reya Mellicker said...

Steven, I believe you.

I have no ill feelings towards my parents at all - worked through all that decades ago, but I hadn't acknowledged what I internalized until yesterday. It is a big learning and a great blessing.

Reya Mellicker said...

ALso: so glad I'm not the only one!

Gary said...

I don't think the eclipse taught me a thing. Yesterday I taught my first class of doctoral students and that was an amazing experience. I felt I fit perfectly in this environment and was happy to realize that somehow, I have earned my place. I was satisfying and exciting and affirming. Maybe that was the eclipse. I have no idea. But I do know that you are so special to me and we have only met a handful of times. I don't know if I always "get" everything you are talking about but when I look into your eyes there is nothing else. You make the present seem perfect. Not a bad place to be.

Gary said...

oops, I meant to write "It was satisying, blah, blah, blah" not "I was..." ha

Steve said...

Reya, it's amazing how much you absorb of the energy of the world around you. I feel like I blunder through my days relatively unaware of all the things you often write about. I wasn't even paying attention to the eclipse! I'm glad you had some insights about your past, however painful they may be. And of course they may change over time, too.

Reya Mellicker said...

Steve you do not blunder around. You're in it just like I am, as are you, Gary - (seems like you learned A LOT this week, acknowledged that you have earned it, for instance.)

I go on and on. For heaven's sake!