Thursday, June 9, 2011
When I first launched into psychotherapy, I believed I was going to address what was "wrong" with me, fix those things, and move on. I honestly thought I could pick and choose what would come up to the surface to be healed. Oh my, I was so naive.
Within Reclaiming, what we sought was "empowerment," (whatever that means). I believed, at least for awhile, that I could pick and choose which parts of myself to empower; hence I could juice up the "good" parts of myself without also feeding my darker side. Ha ha. Oh man, that assumption was completely faulty. What a disaster.
Today it occurs to me that this current transformation, in which I am softening the bits of myself that long ago congealed around my response to the presence of love, means I will also be softening around other hardened aspects of my being. As in all things, this sort of transformation is genuinely holistic.
I don't have to tilt against love anymore. That is great! What a relief! It will take practice and discipline, but I've turned a corner in that process. I am on my way.
Today's revelation: I don't have to tilt against the weather either. I don't HAVE to.
Instead of waiting until it became absolutely unbearable outside, rather than getting on the bike at midday and punishing myself in the heat, I decided instead to walk home from the Sufi acupuncturist's office. It was still fairly early in the day (between 10 and 11:30). I walked in shade whenever I could, sipped cool water, stopped and rested whenever I felt like it. Usually I push myself hard in the heat, I stay in the sun, I act as if the weather is some kind of adversary and that I must prove to myself that I'm good enough, strong enough by fighting the heat. What was that all about? I wondered this morning before I put 2 and 2 together.
Recent experiments with softening around the love I feel for people, music and art has also softened the love I have for myself, hence I don't have to kill myself on the hottest days. I can get out there - oh my yes! But I don't have to be so stupidly macho.
My heart is opening and I am healing. What a transformation! All I can say is: wow.