When I first launched into psychotherapy, I believed I was going to address what was "wrong" with me, fix those things, and move on. I honestly thought I could pick and choose what would come up to the surface to be healed. Oh my, I was so naive.
Within Reclaiming, what we sought was "empowerment," (whatever that means). I believed, at least for awhile, that I could pick and choose which parts of myself to empower; hence I could juice up the "good" parts of myself without also feeding my darker side. Ha ha. Oh man, that assumption was completely faulty. What a disaster.
Today it occurs to me that this current transformation, in which I am softening the bits of myself that long ago congealed around my response to the presence of love, means I will also be softening around other hardened aspects of my being. As in all things, this sort of transformation is genuinely holistic.
I don't have to tilt against love anymore. That is great! What a relief! It will take practice and discipline, but I've turned a corner in that process. I am on my way.
Today's revelation: I don't have to tilt against the weather either. I don't HAVE to.
Instead of waiting until it became absolutely unbearable outside, rather than getting on the bike at midday and punishing myself in the heat, I decided instead to walk home from the Sufi acupuncturist's office. It was still fairly early in the day (between 10 and 11:30). I walked in shade whenever I could, sipped cool water, stopped and rested whenever I felt like it. Usually I push myself hard in the heat, I stay in the sun, I act as if the weather is some kind of adversary and that I must prove to myself that I'm good enough, strong enough by fighting the heat. What was that all about? I wondered this morning before I put 2 and 2 together.
Recent experiments with softening around the love I feel for people, music and art has also softened the love I have for myself, hence I don't have to kill myself on the hottest days. I can get out there - oh my yes! But I don't have to be so stupidly macho.
My heart is opening and I am healing. What a transformation! All I can say is: wow.
12 comments:
Oh I am glad to hear that you have such a sensible newly-found approach to the weather, such punishing heat and humidity. It's always good to listen to what your body is telling you, right?
Stay cool.
for such a beautifully landscaped city, there is an awful lot of open space in DC. Gotta run between the shadows.
Yeah! That sounds good. Sometimes the most important thing to do is to hold our sorry macho selves in our arms and say, softly, with love, "no need to be so tough, little one." and then nurture yourself with the wisdom of an ancient one.
I didn't run between pools of shade. Actually walking around the Capitol is the worst - hardly any shade on the paved paths they want you to take. I walked on the grass which had been recently watered. I plunged my hands into the fountain in the Summerhouse, ran through sprinklers once I got around the Capitol onto E. Capitol Street.
But that was the very end of the walk. The Sufi acupuncturist's office is at 19th and I streets NW. For the first part of the walk it wasn't bad, and there was a breeze.
The macho thing is over.
Though, just now I'm thinking I might walk down to Eastern Market, just to feel the intensity of the heat. I'll be wearing my big ole hat, and I won't linger long. It's a quick walk, more to honor the heat than to cut off my nose to spite my face, as I'm used to doing.
I have great respect for the heat. This Arizona sun showed me who was boss a long time ago. I only go out in the early mornings and evenings during July and August here. I didn't know it got so warm there. I'll be there next weekend for a quick trip to see my daughter - will contact you :)
reya - one of my favourite questions is "why doesn't that bug you?" it can refer to some one being whatever they are being, the weather, weeds, whatever. for some reason that i don't know or understand or spend a whole lot of time figuring out. i cracked fifty, lost interest in life for a few months and came out the other side good with just about anything. i really like it! it's been really hot the last few days. i know to take care of my body and all those i'm responsible for, so i do. if i have to push harder on my bike to get home i do. not out of anger but because it actually feels good to roll along no matter what. even if the sweat is rolling. it's all good! steven
Steven, you moved through a significant gateway. Bravo!!
I never tilt out of anger - it has always been about proving myself, to myself - I guess. Not believing I can be strong enough, determined enough, etc. to encounter the intensity of summer.
Seems very bizarre now, as if I've just entered a brand new reality.
I like to feel the intensity of the heat when I emerge from an over-cooled indoor environment but as soon as I warm up, I'm headed for the shade. Not that I don't love to feel the sun on my skin but I also understand how powerful and harmful it is these days especially in the summer months here. Some friends came out to visit last weekend and one of the guys came with his 20 something girlfriend (he's 59). She's very nice but I just don't get why she wants to hang out with us old people. Anyway, we came outside when they were leaving, she stood in the sun and the rest of us kept to the shade. I teased her, telling her the day would come when she would seek the shade too. I don't know what that has to do with you but that's what came to mind.
I'm glad you no longer feel the need to punish yourself in the heat because, dear lady, there is no way you will conquer it.
I like to compare going back and forth between sudden temperature changes of the airconditioning and the sweltering outside heat to switching between cold showers and a sauna. It feels exactly the same to me. It's just as invigorating but it also forces relaxation to happen at the same time.
I have been like that. Putting myself through physical, and sometimes even emotional hardships to prove to myself that I'm strong enough. What was the point of it, I still think.
I really like your narration of holistic transformation. It is true, when we start softening around certain areas in our life, there is a spillover effect to our whole personality as well.
Please keep sharing your experiences. I look forward to hearing more.
Cyndy! How smart is that!! Steam and cold plunge, oh yeah!
Yes Ellen, me against DC heat? It is not a contest. As for your friend's young girlfriend, you know age is not always a determing factor when it comes to love. I'm late to figure this out, but it is so true. Love is easier between people of the same age, but it doesn't always happen that way.
SG - proving myself to myself seems very silly. A week ago, it didn't seem silly. So weird!
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