Tuesday, July 7, 2009
A Singular Experience
I've had a million boyfriends. OK, not a million. Let's just say I've had many romantic relationships. I've lived in cities, suburbs and small towns on the west coast, east coast and midwest of the U.S. I've had a career of careers, every hair color you can imagine (platinum blonde was a Really Bad Idea, aubergine purple looked surprisingly good). I've been a vegetarian, omnivore, carnivore. I've been Jewish, Pagan, Shaman, practiced Buddhism, studied Hinduism. Etc. But in my whole, pretty long life, I've had just one dog.
That accounts for the fact that, though I was very devoted, I was inept in my role as alpha. I was no dog whisperer, oh no. There were other ways I never quite fit in to the swing of dog ownership. For instance, I never could relate to the "mom" thing, a convention at least here in the U.S. In fact when people called me Jake's "mom" I was always slightly offended. I am not a dog and did not ever give birth to a dog. Ewww. In fact, the inter-species connection is what I found so fascinating about our relationship. The fact that I was not his mom is what worked for me. As you can imagine, I stopped trying to explain this a number of years ago.
The uniqueness of my relationship with Jake figures as one reason why I am still struggling so hard to let go. I'm OK; I'm functional, but I'm steeped in sadness and longing. To be honest, that feeling has not even begun to subside, though at least I'm not crying in public anymore. Thank God for that!
Today is the full moon; there will be a minor eclipse sometime today. I'm hoping that the peak of the moon will help shake me out of the pattern of mourning, at least a little bit. Also today is the one week anniversary of Jake's death. Maybe the passage through the seventh day will help me ease up, too. Do you think? I'm praying for a shift of some kind.
He was my best friend for fourteen years. I miss him terribly.