Thursday, July 2, 2009

Another Day Passes


On the National Mall, close to the American History museum.

Every time the phone rings, I'm sure it's the vet calling to ask when I'm going to come pick up my dog. That's the last place I saw him, after all. Yesterday after my marathon walk around the city, I found myself rushing home to get the dog "squared away" as I always said. That's a habit that will be hard to break. This morning when I woke up I stared hard at the place where Jake slept, as if staring hard enough would somehow materialize him. I am having the longing for the departed that's the central experience of grief. Forget anger, denial, bargaining and acceptance - all I feel is yearning, longing for my old old dog.

The good news is I saw the Sufi acupuncturist yesterday and as always he worked his magic on me. (He would say that Chinese medicine is NOT magic but it always feels that way to me.) After the treatment, he said he had managed to "stop the bleeding." And in fact I do feel closer to whole than I have since I made the decision to say goodbye to Jake. So that's good, isn't it? I think it is.

As I was walking around yesterday, it occured to me that some people probably thought the black arm band was my way of grieving for Michael Jackson, not that I really care what anyone thinks. It is kind of funny, though. Funny that from now on I will always link MJ's music with Jake's death. Funny weird and probably funny ha-ha, too.

You can't imagine how much I look forward to a good laugh, to feeling light and goofy again. I know it will happen, not yet though. Grief is horrible, it's really awful. It sucks.


Lafayette Park by the White House. The sun was coming and going from behind the clouds.

36 comments:

Reya Mellicker said...

Cube - Almost everyone stared at the black arm band. Some of them smiled kindly at me, others looked away, kind of embarrassed. Some people seemed confused. Everyone noticed though. I wish that tradition would come back into popular culture. It felt like a relief, like an anchor for what I'm going through.

Joanne said...

Isn't it interesting how music is linked to Jake's death? That happens so often, music reaching wonderfully into our lives like that. It's such an effective art form.

willow said...

I'm feeling sad with you today, Reya.

ellen abbott said...

Me too.

Peaches said...

I hope you find moments of peace today.

Butternut Squash said...

The solitary lamp post in reflection is beautiful. Wishing you peace and comfort today.

mum said...

I like the way your acupuncturist phrased it. Good thoughts, Reya, and to goofy laughing soon - even if you need to take tear breaks in between.

Lover of Life/ Nancy said...

Hope you feel better soon. Grief is just what it is. It takes as long as it takes. But you will laugh and be happy again. I like the black arm band tradition, too. It does let people know to give you a little space, doesn't it?

JC said...

I'm glad you got out and about. He would have wanted you to.

Each day will get better.

When my cat, Lilly Ann, went away, I got a multi photo frame and found all sorts of pics of her ... from kitten to adult. I have it on my wall and say 'MEOW' to her each day.

It helped me to go through those photos. It's been almost three years (July 18th) ... I don't cry as much.

Time will help ... til then just make it through the day. He'd want you too.

Maybe write a book about him ...

A Cuban In London said...

I'm just catching up with your posts and realise that you have lost someone you cared for very dearly. My thoughts are with you. I'm sorry to read this news.

My most sincere condolences from London.

The Bug said...

This is going to sound terrible (to my family maybe), but I imagine that losing Jake is harder on you than the loss of my mother was to me. Don't get me wrong - Mom & were very close & talked several times a week - but she lived in NC & I live in Ohio. She wasn't there in my home every morning when I woke up & every night when I went to bed. Sure I had (& still have) those moments when I think - I need to call Mom & tell her... But it's not the same when the being you love is such an integral part of your life.

Peace, Reya. Soon.

gypsywoman said...

reya - wishing you peace and comfort and caring thoughts.....namaste' - jenean

Mrsupole said...

Wishing you peaceful and loving thoughts today, may you find the balance you are seeking. Time will heal these daily feelings. But you will never forget and the memories will always be happy ones.

God bless.

Susan said...

Your loss is our loss Reya. I'm so very sorry.

Janelle said...

ah sweetie..thinking of you....sad sad sad...big hug... O X O X j

Dani said...

In my opinion- grief is the most horrible feeling in the world. It is not just a singular emotion- guilt, sadness, anger, etc all get mixed in. Just tears you up from inside. (I'm still coping... I think you know what I'm talking about)

In regards to the arm band- I think it is an outward way to heal. So often with grief we keep things pent up and it's not healthy. But by having an outward physical object, it can be part of a release. I'm still trying to figure out the best way to heal.

Meri said...

Jake's death has caused me much more emotion than Michael Jackson's, though I didn't know either of them personally.

Collector said...

Hello,

Do you know where to find different chinese medecine as Snake wine ? I already bought this one:
http://www.asiansnakewine.com

But I am now looking for different types of natural medecine (for example with LIZARD inside the bottle).
Thanks for help.

(by the way I found your website on Google when looking for Snake wine bottles)

Elizabeth said...

Greif majorlly suchs.
I used to see Skippy in the house for ages and ages.
And I would hear his feet rushing to the door.
Poor you.
Hugs,

Reya Mellicker said...

I don't feel Jake's energy here at all. I think all those candles burning all over the world helped him cross very quickly. He is so gone.

lakeviewer said...

Reya, I'm glad you're talking about your loss, and your longing for Jake. Those of us who have experienced these losses understand.

Steve said...

It does indeed suck...:(

Ronda Laveen said...

When I first thought about the black arm band, I thought how nice to bring back this tradition. And I read your response to Cube relating how many people stared with embarassment or confussion. The more I think about it, the more I think that, we as a nation, should be wearing black arm bands for all the people and animals leaving the planet at the same time. So many people, celebrities and blogger's animals are on that bus. Holy cow.

Ali said...

Left you some love (aka an award) on my blog!

Bee said...

When I saw your blog header, a felt this THUD in my stomach. Poor Reya. I'm so sad for you. I'm just catching up with you for the first time in a week, and it is quite strange to read through all the week's posts about beloved people/dogs dying.

I think that all of your faithful readers are probably grieving with you! xx

Merle Sneed said...

It's so hard to lose an old friend. Your old friend loved you unconditionally and you him. How many can we say that about?

You are the best and my heart aches with you.

LadrĂ³n de Basura (a.k.a. Junk Thief) said...

By writing about this, I think your helping those who will have to go through this process or who have been through it. I lost my parents, two cats, an aunt and a foster dog all within the span of just over two years. I won't diminish the loss of the animals as being less significant than that of the humans. Distance helps, but the loss is always there. You're obviously doing all the best and healthy things to honor the grief and pain.

Gary said...

you are right, grief does suck!

debra said...

Grief is hard, and sometimes it just shows up and bites you in the butt. My Dad died 2 years ago today. Grief is an ongoing process rahter than a simple event. It just is what it is and takes as long as it takes. And you talk about it until you don't need to talk about it any more.
Hugs.

Andrea said...

You got it right (in my opinion) when you say that grief sucks. It is the must gut-wrenching of experiences. Time. It takes time to find your way back to "normal."

smith kaich jones said...

My word verification is "sang". Somehow that seems perfect.

I am headed into the night to spend time with my cat, with Jake & you on my mind. It is good his energy is gone - good. My across the street neighbor left us in February at the age of 95, well & truly gone, no energy left behind. No ghosts, no regrets. An easy passage.

I am no longer angry as I was this morning - thsnk you for the visit.
:)

Debi

Barbara Martin said...

Reya, you're doing well by posting your feelings. I like the idea of the black arm band. It sets the message perfectly.

Angie said...

haven't read you in a while, sorry. Lost my 19 yr old cat, Drakk, same week as your loss. It's hard and every time I go to her spot, same thing. Dogs are different though. We have 5 and we are blessed. You'll get through this, I will too. Love your stuff, always a great read and visual.
Thank you.

hele said...

my heart aches for you and jake. it also aches for mithril and all those i have loved that was here one day and then just gone.

i wish with all my heart that you and jake meet up in dreamtime and that you wake up knowing that he is still there panting away, loving you as always, dreaming of when you will be together again.

lots of love and caring*

Margaret Gosden said...

The photos are great. That Jake has gone is sad. I am so sorry.

lettuce said...

it does really suck reya. i'm so sorry and feeling for you