Wednesday, July 1, 2009
One step at a time
From this past Sunday morning.
Jake was more than a dog, he was a lifestyle. Last night was the first night I've ever slept in my room here in the house on Tennessee Avenue when he wasn't here. I've traveled, of course, but to be at home, in my own room, minus the snoring, the sighing and the sounds of Jake dreaming? Last night was my first experience of that.
This morning there was no reason to hurry through my shower, there was no one sitting by waiting for me to finish my meditation, and there was no reason to go walk around the block before having breakfast. It's so disorienting.
I am a creature of habit. Jake was my dog, friend, teacher and companion. And he was also my lifestyle, integral to my routines and habits. I feel sadder than I can explain, and confused, too, really confused.
One thing I decided to do is adopt the old custom of wearing a black arm band. I might just wear it today or maybe for a week or who knows? People used to wear them for a year after the death of a loved one; it was a part of grieving. I've seen pics of FDR wearing his arm band after his mother died. I love this custom; it's a gentle way of explaining you're in mourning, and so therefore perhaps a little bit out of it. There's no need to explain everything, over and over again. It's a kindness.
I am more than a little bit out of it, that's for sure. I've written myself a note that says:
Drink lots of water.
Don't do anything you don't have to do.
That's about all I can handle today. Maybe tomorrow will be different.
The amount of love and support that's been directed towards me (and to Jake, too) has blown my mind. I am literally in awe of how kind and generous people can be, how willingly all of you, and many people in my "real" life, have jumped in to help. I am so grateful, there's no way I can begin to explain it. From my whole heart I thank you. Thank you.
And now? Time to breathe, drink some water. Yep. One foot in front of the other, one step at a time. There is nothing else I can do. Onwards.