Friday, July 3, 2009
This is the front wheel cover of a beautiful gold Harley-Davidson.
For the first time since Jake got so ill in mid June, I slept last night, really slept all night long. I did not wake up between 3 and 5 a.m., didn't sob and toss and turn. I slept and dreamed long, complicated dreams, woke up refreshed. Wow, it's been awhile since I've experienced that plush sensation of being fully rested. It is only now dawning on me that I've been running on empty for weeks.
It occured to me this morning that life with me could not have been so great for Jake either. I did the best job I could do, but in truth, he was way too much dog for me. I wasn't strong enough or strict enough to be convincing as an alpha. He was riddled with fear and anxiety, and worse, fear aggression. I know that my partnership with him was one way of paying off a karmic debt long overdue. This morning I'm wondering if he, too, was paying off a karmic debt by living his life as an uber powerful, uber fearful rescue dog. We loved each other so much, but our life together was always a struggle.
Lots of people say that after a pet passes away, they can feel its energy around. They hear the clicking of the toenails on the floor, or the sighs or snoring. Many of the wonderful comments here have included wishes that he will stay by my side, even in death.
Whether it was all those candles burning all over the world for him, or all the beloved pets waiting to greet him on the other side, or that he was in fact really glad to have finally completed his karmic agreement - or something else - he is SO gone. I don't feel a trace of his energy anywhere around, not in the places where he slept or ate or hid when he was frightened. Maybe he'll come back to check on me at some point, who knows? For the time being, Jake has left the house, fully and absolutely.
My sadness has not left the house of my heart, though something has shifted. After last night's sleep, the grief is so much more gentle than it was during his last two or three weeks, way more gentle than it has been since Tuesday. It's just now dawning on me that I'm going to live through this. I am so grateful!
L'chaim, y'all. Peace.