Thursday, July 9, 2009

Now What?



At the end of any big interruption of the flow, the TV people say, And now we return to our regularly scheduled programming. That's TV, though - not "real" life. Life after Jake has not returned to its regular schedule. I have my room and roommates, I have my work, but all the rest of it is, in fact, more or less shapeless.

My spirit guides tell me that in another couple of weeks, I'm going to get creative; they tell me that I'll be doing most of everything differently than I have in many years. They are excited for me. As if to bring this point home very specifically, in my dream last night, my beloved Edward Norton was a cab driver. In the dream we are in a completely unrecognizable landscape. It's kind of like a lot of cities where I've lived, though also completely unfamiliar. Edward says, "Where can I take you?" I answer honestly, "Actually, I have no idea where I'm going." He says, "I'll wait here until you decide."

Sweet of him, isn't it? As with every role I've ever seen him play, he was completely convincing as a cab driver in my dream.

Last week my only plans were to breathe, cry, and drink water. This week I've structured my time very carefully in order to keep busy, but not overbusy. In this way I'm allowing some time to pass while I get my bearings in this new, post-Jake world I now live in. You'd better believe I'm looking forward to the promise of a burst of creativity. I'm not there yet, though, not yet.

31 comments:

Celestite said...

Life after Jake will not return to "normal" unless you force it to. (square pen in round hole)
You have changed, the energies around you have changed. Listen to your spirit guides, let it happen.
:-)

Butternut Squash said...

I can't wait to see what you choose to do. How about a road trip? You could visit me and the donkeys. Don't forget to bring your camera!

Gary said...

Reya,

Once again I have been lurking on your blog (reading, thinking about you, sending good thoughts but not commenting) and have thought of you throughout the day, wondering how you are doing at any given moment.

An off shoot of what you are going through is that I have been more fully aware of appreciating my dog more lately. So she thanks you for all of the added attention (I'm sure she is going to miss it when I go to Italy on Friday for a few weeks).

Having been through the loss of three dogs I simply adored I can say that I understand what you are going through. Time does heal but the joy Jake brought will remain. You'll be ready to 'move on' when you decide.

JC said...

You're doing ok. Keep taking each day as it comes. Next week will be just a bit better.

I do hope your spirits are right and you have a new adventure heading your way ...

And, man I'd love to have Ed be my cabi driver anyday ... you have good dreams !!!

John Hayes said...

I remember you once mentioned to me in a comment on RFBanjo about creativity being "tidal"-- it's true, isn't it. I'm at a low ebb for completely different reasons. Your creations will come!

Meri said...

Amazing -- a handsome, intelligent cab driver who speaks English fluently and is willing to wait while you decide where to go. Of course it was just a dream! This is a time astrologically where we need to do things in a whole different way and see things newly. You're right in tune.

lakeviewer said...

I see Celestite has stated my thoughts. I'll add: be good to yourself.

Nancy said...

You will eventually have that burst of creativity, maybe even something completely new and exciting. Once past the shock of loss, and then after the mourning, we still have grief but also freedom. Our old dogs are loving blessings, but they often keep us in one place. Maybe a trip? Tahoe is nice right now.

Verily I go. said...

I'm happy for you too. Keep on keeping on.

Chris Wolf said...

I'm so glad that Edward didn't leave the meter running! Look! He's giving you all the time you need!

Ronda Laveen said...

Having an animal like Jake does give your life a shape. I can understand how your life is "more or less shapeless." It just takes time to morph.

Maybe Edward is getting ready to do a Deniro role. It has been over 30 years since Taxi Driver was made. Remake?

Lizzy Frizzfrock said...

Beautiful photos of the gates. Are they representative of the path you are about to take? You'll go through those gates when the time is right. Keep the faith. Lizzy

steven said...

the image through the gates with the bits of stuff on the other side - mmmmmm! just let it all flow into you. steven

Jeninacide said...

It sounds like you are doing a great job of letting yourself have some time to let life sink in. I woke up thinking about you and Jake this morning. :o)

I also LOVE Edward Norton. Seriously. I LOVE HIM.

tam said...

Wow, as I read this, something leapt inside me! I think its going to be quite a ride. I too feel excited for you. But in a calm way, like Ed. There's plenty of time.


Remember that thing we said...
hmmm. all in good time.

Rain said...

I'll take Edward Norton in my dreams any night. I wonder what the trees in your neck of the woods have to say about all this?
:)

Mary Ellen said...

I think you are handling things wisely, and it's exciting to see that things are about to open up in new ways for you.

Reya Mellicker said...

Cheryl - YES. I chose the images without thinking how right they are for the post. I just thought they looked cool, especially together.

Tam if something leapt inside you, then I believe something is right around the corner.

Nancy I am planning a trip to San Francisco in August. I may indeed get up to Tahoe with my friend whose father, Gordon, died suddenly in June. They live in S. Lake Tahoe, so it's not impossible! I'm also intrigued iwth the idea of visiting Jeri and the donkeys. That could be a great trip.

Ronda I hope not - at least in my dream world!

And Rain I wish you were here to talk to the trees. Do you speak American Elm? Oak?

Thanks Celestite and Rosaria - I can't force anything to happen.

Rain said...

Well Reya, I have been known to bark a little American Birch now and then, but that's usually during my monthlies...lol!
;-) Hope my silliness is making you giggle a bit. I was thinking about what you said, that the trees hide from you. City trees aren't the same as country trees!!!

Steve said...

Sounds to me like you're handling things exactly right...working within your routines but not expecting yourself to ramp up to normalcy too quickly. Sending you hugs!

willow said...

I love the symbolism of the beautiful wrought iron gate. New beginnings for you, Reya!

Madtexter said...

Hey Reya,

I thought of you yesterday. I was just about to walk into the gym, and a beam of sunshine lit up the entrance, as the sun was setting, and the first thing I thought was "golden". And then my mind slipped over to 'The Gold Puppy' and then to you and Jake. It was a peaceful moment for me. Although it did make me feel a bit guilty for not having enough time to visit with you and Jake in DC when we were there in late May.

Keep on keepin' on!

Sandra Leigh said...

Be kind to yourself, Reya. You've been through a lot. My suggestion: the things that you do for others - the bodywork, the comforting - find someone to do those things for you. Accept the healing you need and deserve.

AquaSass said...

I have been loosely following your blog and I just cannot believe that the subject of your blog, the center of your life, is gone! And I just had to reach out to you and send you a big ol' care bear stare! cause that is PAIN. And, as another woman in pain (for other reasons) my heart just bleeds for you.

So, from me and my little partner in crime Max: heres love coming out from cyberspace to you from a stranger.

AquaSass said...

also, doesnt it seem, when in this pain, that days are SO long? And when people say "take one day at a time" it seems like infinant moments?

Pam said...

Reya when someone comes to you for healing work, trying to get a handle on grief after their beloved animal has died you will have covered that area so well. For this reason let the path unfold as it should.You are guided, as you in turn guide others.Good luck friend, on what must be a difficult journey but you will feel better in time, with some beautiful memories.(I speak eucalyptus and oak by the way - dogs, as you know, are more included to lift a leg on the subject, and p.s. definitely take that trip) xx

Trish and Rob MacGregor said...

Jake is going to return. To you.

starryeyed said...

Now what? Keep planning that August trip! Each day is going to be different - you can and will do it. Come be with old and newish friends. We want you here (I am speaking for your public here).

Much love,

Amy

Coffee Messiah said...

It's been awhile and just wanted to pop in real quick and say I'm sorry to have read about Jake.

Barbara Martin said...

As this week had an eclipse it is a period to go with the flow. Your spirit guides are correct about the coming creativity as I have felt the same in my own life. A quiet period before a burst of activity. The transition period should be slow, a mulling over of thoughts while deciding the best course of action.

lettuce said...

busy but not too busy seems like a good plan dear Reya.