Friday, July 31, 2009

At a Full Stop

Is there such a thing as GPS for the soul? I've been praying a lot lately, asking for direction, but so far nothing specific has come through. I'm not feeling blank, exactly, just stalled out in terms of where I'm headed and what I'm supposed to be doing now.

The death of Jake was very cleansing, as all loss is. I feel washed more than sad these days, I feel like a clean slate, ready and as of right now, empty. I can call up the grief; it's still in process, but it's no longer pervasive, thank God. Life is no longer about 24-hour a day grieving, but what is it about? If I were an actor, I would turn to the director about now and ask, What's my motivation in this scene?

I could get another dog, sure I could. Then I could slip right back into my old routines. I could shape my days around a dog again, oh yeah. The idea is so comforting. But something in the back of my mind/heart is whispering, Wait awhile. OK. I'm waiting, as if at a stoplight.

There's no hurry, I guess, except life is short and I believe in carpe diem. Seize the day and wait? Does that sound right to you?

Looks like a setting in ancient Greece, but it's just the Supreme Court, seen from the Capitol grounds.


Anonymous said...


Thanks for this post. I've been snarky and snappy all week. I don't know if it's the barometric pressure in the air or my sciatica flaring up, or dealing with a spouse who hates his job, or tolerating fake people at work, but this post gave me pause. To reflect on the bigger picture and be thankful for just being. Not to sound cliche, but I must keep reminding myself that 'this too shall pass'.


Reya Mellicker said...

Probably all of the above, don't you think?

willow said...

I like to think of it as floating down the river with the current and enjoying the ride. Just as long as my nose stays above the waterline, of course.

What is going on in the stars this week, anyway? I can feel it. Ick.

steven said...

hi reya, there are times when i wish my life would get on with it. "make something happen!" "where do i go next?"
depending on your perspective, things are passing through you or you're passing through them. either way, i think feeling stopped is the state of being at one with the flow. so the challenge then becomes accepting the apparent stasis, looking around you as well as inside you.
you're moving by being. have a peaceful day. steven

Peaches said...

Reya...a bowl of words for you to ponder...
Sojourn, Bide, Partake, Journey,
Meander, Ramble, Explore, Flow,
Expand, Prune, Rotate, Whirl
Play, Sculpt, Risk, Be,

Mary said...

I love Peaches "bowl of words"

and I'm with Willow - someting going on this week - eclipse leftovers? Wacky - unsettled - anxious - cranky - WEEPY.....
you're sounding better everyday

Liza Ursu said...

Great post Reya - Thanks!
As I was reading, I found myself thinking about the brilliant question that Neale Donald Walsch posed, "What would love do?"

Mrsupole said...

I think willow said it very well, just go with the flow. And yes wait and if after your vacation you want to go looking to see if a dog will find you then go for it. But do not just settle for any dog, the right dog will find you if it is meant to be again. And if you want something to take care of, go buy a Betta fish, they just need a bowl, some water conditioner and some food. No tank, no filter, no heater, no light. Very easy thing to do. Some of them can be so beautiful, so a light that is near them can show their beauty. And only buy one, they attack each other and fight to the death. I have enjoyed them for years.

But yes there is something in the air, not sure what but strange vibes. Ronda said August 1 is supposed to be a great day to grab the rays around you. So I hope you do, and if you really want a dog that might be the day to get one. But waiting is fine.

God bless.

Elizabeth said...

Do not get a dog.
One thing that is so difficult to remember is that whatever we feel like
we will not feel like that forever

I liked the bowl of words
prune was a good one

I like

maybe you could get a wonderful massage?
love you

Steve said...

Is waiting really different from just being?

Anonymous said...

Hi Reya! I think that by waiting you are seizing the day. I often thought that when my boys pass on, that I would wait to get any more pets for a little while and concentrate on me for a while.

Deborah said...

what is the opposite of Reya?

put Hobbes down a week ago yesterday and the grieving has
washed over me night before last,
yesterday, today. . .

doing the opposite of me
checking things off my do list
emptying my office
checking on positions
not procrastinating

so far--this opposite thing is working for me

love you so

ellen abbott said...

I know what you mean Reya. I've felt stopped most this year, maybe even have gone backwards a bit workwise. All the forward motion towards being a gallery artist has stopped for the time being and I find myself being what I was before, doing what I was before. (However, I may be creeping forward a bit on that. I found out this week that one of my pieces is being held for a very good collector).

Anyway, I think a lot of it has to do with the heat also and now entering August. Nothing can move much in this heat.

Dan Gurney said...

Getting washed out is a good thing! We stain ourselves needlessly.

Most of my prayers are answered by that quiet voice inside my mind/heart--if only I'm calm and quiet enough to listen.

"Seize the day and wait" sounds wise to me. Isn't waiting (a.k.a. meditating) a reliable road to wisdom and compassion?

Your post reminds me of a quote about simplifying--because Jake's death has simplified your outer life while enriching the inner:

"Simplifying our lives does not mean sinking into idleness, but on the contrary, getting rid of the most subtle aspect of laziness: the one which makes us take on thousands of less important activities."

--Matthieu Ricard

Nancy said...

We, my husband and I, are feeling the same way. I think we are so used to being in control of so many things, that it's hard to feel as though you are not in control and just need to trust that the right course of action will present itself when the time is right.

Love Peaches words, and I have been feeling the same way as some others - weepy, crabby, angry, unsettled. Something must be going on somewhere in the world.

Teri and the cats of Furrydance said...

I like this post today...the bowl especially. I know that washed out feeling also.

My husband and I used to laugh when we left the house early to head to work in the winter and see people out walking their dogs to "do their business" and we would smile and say to each other "they just don't know about Cornish Rex"...

I think a home without an animal heartbeat in it is a home not fully "furnished" and know in time you will have another heartbeat in your house...

I think you would like the CRex personality...larger than life!

lacochran said...

Is waiting related to hesitancy? i.e., fear? You often feel guided. Me? I appreciate those that guide me but ask for it and thank them for it but I don't wait for it. Does that make sense? Perhaps hypocritical, right now, I have on my door The 7 Whispers, one of which is "Move at the pace of guidance." I like to think I'm moving with it... not waiting for it. Your mileage may vary. :)

PS You could have just *told* me there was going to be a protest that would displace the drumming at Meridian. Maybe sometimes I don't know guidance when I hear it?

Meri said...

Seize the day and hold it in your heart. I always think those "waiting" periods are intriguing, because they allow for playing with possibilities while waiting for the opening up that always comes. There's just no controlling the when, however.

Jeninacide said...

I am glad to see from the comments here that I am not the only one feeling unsettled, unsure, crabby, WEEPY!

What is the opposite of how I would normally react to all this...?

sciencegirl said...

Carpe diem, Reya!
& I so love your montage photos.

California Girl said...

it does indeed look like a Greek temple.

comforting to hear you are feeling cleansed. my mother-in-law is frighteningly despondent over the death of her ex husband and room mate of the past 15 yrs. they were together off and on for 60 yrs, married & divorced twice and we thought she hated him til he had a stroke. now she is inconsolable and my husband is so worried. the attachments we form even when we don't want to...

Reya Mellicker said...

I think being + impatience = waiting, and that's the key to it all.

I'm not the only one feeling crabby weepy cranky and bizarre. Maybe it's that old devil moon (as Willow would say), the full moon following the eclipse must surely be one arrogant orb, don't you think?

It's good to blame whatever we can on the planets because they are large and don't seem to care.

Lacochran! A protest? Really?? Honest ... I didn't know.

My spirit guides are telling me to wait awhile, so OK, they never steer me wrong which doesn't mean that I always take their advice, oh no.

I had a long day of work. I'm going to drink a glass of Italian red wine, brush my teeth and have a very long sleep.

Thanks to all for these smart, insightful, beautiful comments. Y'all are just so with it! Thank you!

Delwyn said...

Hi Reya

the trouble with seize the day and moving on to the next thing are that they see life in a linear way, and it's not...

so take a step sideways...

Happy days

Barbara Martin said...

Reya, I think the restlessness people are feeling (including myself) comes from the impending third eclipse on August 5. A rare occurrence to have three eclipses in a row.

Recently I was in a stalemate position, not knowing which path to take and asked upstairs for guidance, and two weeks later I get an email from a blogging buddy with a possible answer. This may be just the catalyst to get me going after I conduct a bit more research.

There is change in the air, but I'm certain it will be all for the good. So, hang in there, Reya.

Linda Pendleton said...

I think sometimes we get caught up in the idea that we "have" to do something, instead of surrendering to the moment, and enjoy the nothingness of it.

Give yourself a little healing time, you deserve it, Reya.

Love the photograph.

hele said...

I'm waiting, as if at a stoplight.

i started slowly rolling forward but am not sure what is around the blind corner.

adventure blessings to you.

Merle Sneed said...

Sounds right to me.