Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Disentrenchment



When I'm struggling in any way, one of my favorite practices is to look myself right in the eye (in the mirror of course) and ask myself, Can you be in a place of acceptance? When I can honestly say YES, my day goes relatively smoothly, even if I'm in the midst of some drama or another. Being able to just BE with reality, whatever that reality is, is the ultimate dance of shamanic alignment. Acceptance is a state of trust and patience. Acceptance does not include ambition. Acceptance is so graceful. You know?

On days when the only honest answer to this question is NO, well, those days I am doomed to bang my head against one brick wall after another, wave my fist at the sky. On days of non-acceptance, I tilt against a state of shamanic alignment. When I say NO, that means I'm entrenched in an idea of how things SHOULD be or COULD be, a state that pretty much guarantees mood swings between outrage, i.e. How dare they?? (whoever "they" are) and moroseness, i.e. How could this have happened - to ME? Pooooooooooooooor me.

Even on the days when my answer is NO, I'm well aware of how to bring myself back into balance: by breathing, dropping down into my heart of hearts, praying, coming into the present moment, walking, stretching, singing. There are so many ways to become aligned. But you see this is the very reason I would make such a bad Buddhist; what I'm saying is, sometimes I know the way back to balance but I choose to stay unbalanced. Is that crazy?

Well - yeah - AND, sometimes the floppage back and forth creates a bit of wiggle room that would not become available if I were able to remain still and peaceful all the time. I'm a human being, capable of great emotional extremes. Is it really such a terrible thing to punch my way out of my various entrenchments every now and then?

Yesterday I could not, would not, allow myself to accept the reality that it's mid-February and therefore still winter, still too cold to walk around without my hat and gloves and scarves and coat, still too cold to ride my bike, to sit for hours outdoors and look at the sky. I felt recalcitrant, impatient. I pouted, I did! I suppose another piece of yesterday's little fit has to do with the reality that I'm about to turn 58. Who knows what else was going on. So I flopped and I shouted poetry into the wind, (for heaven's sake!) I tried to pick a fight with a friend, but she saw right through me and refused to engage, thank god.

When I woke up this morning, something had changed. Today I CAN be in a place of acceptance. The chateau feels twice as roomy as yesterday, the miraculous experience that comes after I've fought my way out of entrenchment.

Tonight some friends are coming for dinner. I feel so cheerful and content to spend the day cooking, cleaning, choosing the poems for after dinner. I'm not saying here that the days when I tilt against the world are a whole lot of fun, but they serve a purpose, they really do. Today I can even be in a place of acceptance around my passionate nature. I flop, it's just part of the package of the fully faceted, three-dimensional me.

Life is good, and I am grateful. Shalom.

21 comments:

Dan Gurney said...

Cheers! Have a good dinner and some good poetry.

Tom said...

hmm, i am feeling it, too. guess i'll celebrate this cold month, thankfully short as well, with a bit of springy, picnicky poetry also...
enjoy your night in

ellen abbott said...

oh yes, experience the full range, right? it's OK to be at odds once in a while, to rage against the machine. but once you've done that, get out of the way before it runs you over.

Reya Mellicker said...

Ellen - these are words of sanity and wisdom.

Dan I was thinking about you this morning when I posted. You seem so even tempered and sane to me.

Tom: springy poetry? Please elaborate??

Bee said...

Reya, I hear you.
I've been struggling myself . . . mostly because my husband has been unemployed for 5 months (and therefore AT HOME) and getting on my nerves. Some days I seem to cope with it all fine, and even see the advantages of the situation, but other days I just can't shake off my irritability.

I was interested in your thought about knowing how to "cure" yourself but not really wanting to. Sometimes we just like to stew, don't we? Do you get unnerved if you are TOO calm for too long?

mouse (aka kimy) said...

gosh reya are so damned wise and honest. thanks!!

a few more FRIGID days and then rumor has it there will be a change!! until then keep that hat on, bundle up and poem on!!

namaste!

Reya Mellicker said...

Namaste to you, too, Kim.

Hey Bee - uhmmmm ... I have never experienced a prolonged sense of peace, just moments here and there. They are bliss!

And, too (another non-Buddhist moment) I think stewing serves a purpose, don't know exactly how to explain it except with a cooking metaphor - everything can not be broiled or stir fried, some dishes need to simmer and stew.

Certain dishes, like you and I, Bee - we need to slow cook at times. So sorry to hear about your husband. Yikes. May he find work again asap!

Reya Mellicker said...

In the meantime, Bee - be drunken??

The Bug said...

I love stew! And I'm really good at it - & I'm ESPECIALLY good at not doing the things I know I should. It's kind of a specialty of mine. :)

Jo said...

Winter cold, grey skies, wind, snow, ice...aaaah. If that doesn't make a girl cranky once in a while, I don't know what will.

You're entitled to your occasional rants, dear one. It's a sign of passionately deep feelings, and that's admirable.

I'm sure your friend didn't feel you were picking a fight...just speaking your mind. Also admirable.

The birthday thing, well, that's reason to CELEBRATE! I say throw yourself a big ole' party and get lots of insanely great gifts, drink a dirty martini, and dance the night away.
xoxo

Reya Mellicker said...

Jo you're probably right about that friend of mine. Yeah, I think you know what you're talking about.

Bug I think you're the greatest. I do.

Tom said...

that's up at the halfmoose--springy or sprungy, take your pick...at least it's warm inside

Vicki said...

Ranting and raving! Cabin fever is here. Like Bee said, my husband works from home (at least he has a job),but he is driving me crazy...Longing to see the Sun once again. Love your posts and your honesty Reya! Keep on keepin' on...

Mary Ellen said...

Sounds like a healing day (and warming for the soul).

Whitney Lee said...

I need to find that place of acceptance. I too often allow myself to be irritable instead of at peace. You're right, the raging occasionally serves a purpose, but most of the time is a waste of energy.

Enjoy your evening!

Nancy said...

Terrific post, Reya. Now I know why I was all "hang-dog" yesterday and the day before - a lack of acceptance. I'll work on that today, but I agree that sometimes it's okay just to wallow a bit.

steven said...

sing the words, dance the rhyme. you've spoken the hovering and difficult thoughts close to my own experiencing at this time. i'm holding on and this world is so beautiful just as it is - stuck in the depths of cold and snow and ice - and i can't help wishing for the difference that i know it's capable of. enjoy this evening. steven

Meri said...

Love Ellen's advice. And it seems to me that when you're in a state of non-acceptance, you just accept THAT as what is. And eventually things soften up.

Tess Kincaid said...

I love the word floppage.

Linda Sue said...

Oh REYA that first photo just knocks my socks all the way off and on their way to another universe! GOWADDAH! Awesome amazing-
The thing that you are going through- yup- know it well- but unlike you I totally buy into it- pity those in the line of fire...

The Pollinatrix said...

Yes, precisely. This is wonderful. I relate totally to this, and I love the paradox of accepting my non-acceptingness. I'm glad I finally learned how to slip into the space that lets me do that.