Friday, May 14, 2010

The Lights Are On, But ...


Sunset reflected from the hood of a blue BMW.

I'm sifting through my books - again - and beginning to pull dusty boxes out of the little cubbyholes in my room. I'm sorting, sifting, recycling, all in preparation for what I hope will be a timely, easy, low-stress move into the new apartment. (Details still not nailed down because the new landlords are out of town. Please, Multiverse, no jinxes, OK?)

The biggest pile of give-away books includes most of my books about witchcraft and magic. I never look at these books anymore; they should go to people who can use them. In fact many have already been claimed by friends here and elsewhere. It's a good feeling to know that tying up the last loose ends of my old career as priestess and witch will be a friendly endeavor.

Tucked between Margaret Murray's The God of the Witches and Doreen Valiente's ABC of Witchcraft I found an old notebook full of SECRET MATERIAL from one of the traditions into which I was initiated. I remember receiving this information after my initiation and wondering about it, wondering if it would make me More Powerful (a major concern in that tradition). After I left the path, this same information seemed evil to me. It simultaneously embarrassed and creeped me out to think I had ever taken any of it seriously. Leaving that path was such a shock, like an icy drink tossed directly in my face. Afterwards I thought, "Wow. I BELIEVED all that?" It was so unnerving.

Yesterday, leafing through the notebook, I found myself chuckling. Oh yeah, there is such crazy shit in there, pardon my French. Really crazy. But instead of becoming alarmed, or feeling mortified that I had been sucked in to the cult, the SECRET MATERIAL seemed funny. What that means to me is that I have completed the trajectory of that era of my life. Every page from the notebook has been tossed into the recycling bin. The notebooks are now clear, and so is my heart.

My career as a priestess/witch, as well as all the time I spent recovering from that era, is now out of the saga. Onwards and upwards. Whew!


Lights shining from the windows of the Library of Congress at dusk last night.

21 comments:

NanU said...

It's interesting to see the proof of ourselves growing! Usually it happens slowly or subtly and you only see the big things. The little ones slip by unnoticed.

I wonder if I'm ready yet to open up some of my own old notebooks - will I be beyond them enough to be amused, or still in the omg I believed -that- stage. Or will I still concur?

Reya Mellicker said...

Secret material and pornographic comments in Asian scripts - both are now out of the saga.

Rick said...

You happy... me happy.

and seasons turn
circles of sun
and from the many
comes the one

- lines from "Reya's Song"

Reya Mellicker said...

Rick - how cool! Can't wait to hear it!

John Hayes said...

Reading about your shedding possessions sounds liberating indeed! Like shedding the old selves we've moved beyond.

Cyndy said...

It is so cleansing to get rid of stuff that is no longer relevant. I love that second picture! Windows on windows.

Mrsupole said...

Life is about growing and constantly changing in some things, if not then we would be stagnant and how boring would that be. Learning new things or continual learning of things we think we know about are what keeps our brains working. Every day should have a new experience in it to send those little brain waves into new unexplored areas of our immense capacity for learning.

Since our brains are the most efficient computer out there, I try to look at it as the internet to outer space. We have sent out our own little Hubbel and it is exploring our vast brain capacity and then tells us that we have more to learn and it continues on it's mission until someday the battery dies out and hopefully finds new life with where ever we go.

Our brains, our final frontier, going where no man has ever gone before, our experiences taking us over vast insights of learning and exploring. May your Hubbel live long and prosper.

God bless.

northlighthero said...

Looking at old notebooks and diaries ... sometimes such a kick (either in a good way or a wake-up-and-smell-the-coffee way).

The other day I was leafing through an old dream journal ... and found the precursors to a set of decisions I've recently made. If I had just seen what the dreams meant, and believed what I saw, I could have saved five years of turmoil (sigh).

I wonder if you would engage in a brief conversation off-line about moving out of the professional witch business. I'd e-mail you directly, but don't have that info. Mine is her own self at juno dot com without the spaces (beginning with 'her'), if you'd be willing to chat.

ellen abbott said...

My life had become so cluttered before the move. I have boxes of stuff still at the city house that I am leaving behind. the kids and g'kids can go through them and keep what they want. also got rid of boxes and boxes of books. they had just become dust magnets. I should still winnow out some of the stuff I brought along. I want a lighter existence now.

steven said...

reya i love those times and spaces where i am moving on and i can feel the eddies and whorls of my passing spinning off of me! lucky lucky you. steven

Elizabeth said...

So thrilling and liberating getting rid of old stuff.
However, I can't dump all my old journals though they make for some pretty cringe-making reading.

I'm not certain I ever BELIEVED anything
except that we should try to be kind to one another.
Happy weekend.

Linda Sue said...

letting go, "turning on the lights" questioning EVERYTHING-humility and compassion- including compassion for your old self.Experimenting or even becoming devoted to ideas and coming out of them brighter- always a good thing- a growing thing. You- brilliant!

willow said...

Your experience is much like looking back at all the ultra fundamentalist stuff I was raised in. Completely on the other side of the coin, so to speak, but eerily similar.

Ronda Laveen said...

Yes, you have come full circle and your move is echoing that evolution. What led you to that path? I've never read why you started and why you left.

Holding "no jinx" energy for your apartment.

Reya Mellicker said...

Willow - yes - I believe they are more alike than dissimilar, those two paths.

Ronda I'll tell you how I got into it. Maybe it'll be a post, perhaps an email. Would love (as always) to hear your insights about the story. Thank you!

Reya Mellicker said...

Yes Steven, I am VERY lucky!!

Barbara said...

I have the same take on the secrets i gleaned when I was initiated into a sorority in college. I took it all so seriously then -- the handshake, the password, and all the other knowledge imparted to me during the initiation process. I was so young and gullible and there was such a feeling of security of being accepted by my new sisters. I'm glad for the experience, but I seriously doubt that password or handshake will open any more doors for me!

Nancy said...

We are going to be moving at the same time! June 1 we move into our new home in Reno. Onward and Upward.

Well, even if I ended right back where I started, I'm content to know I can have a rocking Christmas party! There is something comforting to know I have friends to invite. Who knew that would ever be an issue until I moved and lived where I knew no one. Live and learn, Reya, we all do it.

Rinkly Rimes said...

It's lucky you weren't ducked in the duck-pond before you broke free! Sorry to be flippant, but I haven't got a mystical bone in my body and I feel you're better off as you are! However, those window reflections ARE magic, so maybe there's something in it after all!

Memory Echoes said...

I know some people who would gnaw their left arm off to get at those recycled pieces of paper. I am so glad I am no longer one of them.

Whoop! Whoop! that you can chuckle at all that hocus pocus now. Onwards and upwards indeed!

(Oh, and I'd love to read a post about how a Midwest girl from Kansas City got sucked into all that hocus pocus.)

Reya Mellicker said...

OK. As soon as I get over this hangover, I'll tell the story of my wiccan life. xx