Thursday, January 5, 2012
I did not marry well
When I say my marriage was not part of the river of my destiny, I usually fail to mention that during those years I had a great many experiences I would otherwise have missed. With my ex-husband I traveled around the world - literally. That's something I would never have done otherwise, I'm quite sure.
Maybe, if I hadn't been married to my ex, I would never have learned to cook, something he encouraged me to try. I love cooking, entertaining and feeding people. Learning to cook was and has been a wonderful, marvelous, deeply enjoyable experience. Cooking is fantastic, I LOVE cooking, but is cooking part of my destiny? No it is decidedly not. Learning to cook was a side-effect of my marriage, a lovely side-effect, should say.
What do I mean when I say my marriage was an off-ramp that side tracked my quest? My marriage was "wrong," ill-fitting, like a barrier I had to find my way around rather than a situation in which my ex and I could evolve and become better suited to life's exingencies. For instance, my ex discouraged me from going to massage school. He said the idea of me as a successful bodyworker was inconceivable. OK, did I have to listen to him? I guess not, but I did take his word quite seriously. He was a smart, creative man and I trusted his opinions.
Also he was staunchly opposed to getting a dog. What he said was that if I got one, he would have nothing to do with feeding, walking or caring for the animal. So I didn't get a dog. After we divorced he adopted a shelter dog who looked so much like Jake it was weird. Who knows what THAT was all about?
It was while I was married that I began to study shamanism in earnest - with no encouragement from my ex at all. He thought I should study Buddhism. He had nothing kind to say about my teachers, dismissed my budding spirituality as total crap, refused to allow me to build an altar in our house. Should I have fought for the altar? Who knows?
It's fair to say that my ex couldn't in any way perceive my talents, my potential. He was incapable of encouraging me to do the very things that have helped me become authentic. He was opposed to all the ways in which I've become whole, happy and fulfilled in my life. My role in all that was to take him so seriously, to trust his view more than what I wished for in my heart of hearts. I'll own that bit, for sure.
I guess it could be argued that my ex was a kind of guardian at the gate, someone I could have/should have challenged, or maybe it wasn't time yet for me to find my authentic destiny. I guess, maybe I was meant to sit around twiddling my thumbs for the better part of ten years. Looking back on it, it's hard not see my marriage as a complete waste of time.
My ex is not a bad person, was not a bad person, only blind to the real me, as was I.
I think of him now like the crazy blind man guarding the bridge in Monty Python's The Holy Grail. Just as with that character, he was jettisoned from my life when I finally questioned his opinions.
I row, row, row my boat these days, gently down the stream of my destiny, single and grateful.