Because I'm empathic and sympathetic by nature, I never wondered whether or not my heart was open. I assumed it was, but as I found out this spring, there are degrees of openness and on that scale my heart was just open a crack towards homo sapiens. I had no idea! I've been passionately in love with the green world, the sky, storms, seasons, etc. for a long time. In fact I was rather feral for a number of years, connecting far more intimately with the non-human realms than with my fellow man and woman. Hmmm. The best story to describe that era would be something about how I held a very romantic idea about what it means to be a shaman, but in fact I turned my back on my kin. How sad.
It's been a long time coming, I mean coming in from the wild, coming back from my life as an edgewalker, outcast, hermit, to wholeheartedly re-join the rest of my species. Initially my heart softened to the idea of embracing humanity. That took awhile, now that I look back on it. Next, I went through a big ole reunion with old friends on FB last year, discovering my capacity for intimate, true, trusting friendships that continue over time. Simultaneously, my friendships here in DC deepened, as has my connection to my siblings.
This past spring, my heart softened quite a bit more. For instance, when I sit on the bench in my front yard with a friend, squinting at the sky, trying to see at least one star, talking, laughing, having a beer, my love for this person is physically palpable. Wow. When I sit and talk to my client who is having a terrible health crisis, tears come to my eyes, I love her so much. I could give more examples, but I'm sure you get the idea. Love is powerful, whoa. What a rush!
Being wide open is dangerous, though, of course. For instance, when my client died, I took a dive. That downwards spiral lasted only a few days, but it was kind of serious, I think because I was unprepared for the impact of sadness on my wide open heart.
The sweaty bike ride this week and subsequent revelations about my innate fierceness has taken me a step further in the process of heart opening. Can I love my capacity to snap at folks now and then, to be angry sometimes, frustrated, petty even? Can I truly and honestly figure out how to welcome these aggressive qualities into my heart of hearts? Sometimes I can express my aggressiveness in a healthy way, i.e. sweaty bike ride, but at times it gets a bit out of hand. I hurt feelings sometimes, oh yeah. Can I welcome that truth, make space for for my innate meanness? Well??
The jury is still out on that one, but I'm making progress. This morning I was thinking about the immune system, how fierce it is, how aggressive it must be to contend with the myriad bacteria, viruses, and such that try to bring us down. I thought about the emotional immune system. Is there such a thing? No scientific study I've ever heard of has described such a thing. I'm thinking about what it means to walk around with an open heart through a world in which shit happens. A closed heart will provide protection, but is that how I want to live? Uh - no thank you. I've done that and it's a meager, stingy existence, no fun at all. Life is short, I want to be loving, but I don't want to get knocked down repeatedly either. Hmm. What would Goldilocks do?
How do I strengthen my emotional immune system so as to make it possible to take a blow now and again without doing permanent damage, without sending me into a depressive tailspin or even worse: cynicism? Well? Any thoughts on this one?
12 comments:
Wish I could help you out. Some years back the social group I was in sort of booted me to the door. Might not have been permanent but the whole group dissolved aftter that. I wonder if perhaps it couldn't sustain itself after such focused meanness. I was pulling away some anyway because they had turned that focused rejection on someone else who I still considered a friend. Anyway, what I mean to say is that, once I understood what lay at the core of their actions towards me it was much easier to bear and to let go but at the time it hurt terribly. The first thing I did was to get rid of everything I had that was given to me by any of them or that reminded me of them. I purged my house as it were. One thing that came of that was that I finally realized that one member of the group didn't like me, had never liked me no matter how many times he had said or indicated otherwise. Wow.
The same thing happened to me!
And it was after that that I closed my heart.
You've got me wondering (as you so often do). I have a very open heart but a very weak immune system...
reya - i've got no answers for that one. i move into social groups, immersing myself entirely and then leave. almost entirely. i know people who can hold friendships from the first day of school to the present. i look back with love on those sudden flarings and with equal love on their just as sudden retreat. like flowers that open and close with the sun. in the course of those flarings, i am entirely vulnerable and open to whatever joys and sorrows and hurts accrue to the connection. i'm not good with hurt until it is long past. then i can see its value. i think that emotional immunity might grow if it attaches itself to the understanding that relationship with anything, let alone anyone, is impermanent in some respects and permanent in others. steven
Maybe your answer is in the metaphor you've chosen. The immune system is a powerful, messy, dangerous thing. It often hurts when it's working--fevers, runny nose, boils--all kill and expel invaders, but they hurt while they're doing it.
Sometimes the immune system attacks self or reacts to something harmless--autoimmune diseases like rheumatoid arthritis, anaphylactic shock, hives, allergies....Also, the immune system learns from experience, a very cool biochemical thing.
The thing I'm grooving on from your post is "What would Goldilocks do?" I've puzzled over that story since I was little, and you've given me a whole new way to think about it.
A thoughtful, serious post.
I still think it's better to be open to potential hurt than to close yourself off.....but I think your sense of self-worth is either innate or build up by your family in earliest childhood.
That said, I do not deal with rejection well and mope about it for ever, and think bad thoughts about the people who fail to be enchanted by me....
oh dear!
Better to be buffeted by fate than to be frozen!
You and Dr. M are so much alike in this way. I don't know if it's better that I have all these compartments to put things in until I feel whole enough to deal with them, but it does make me able to go to work, be pleasant, and generally function in life without too much pain. But there's that sneaky eating thing, so maybe it's not working so well for me after all. Food for thought. Pun intended.
The immune system learns? Now THAT is cool. I always learn from you Rebecca. The Tao of Goldilocks is my biggest life lesson - one I apparently must leArn over and over again.
Yes Bug - Mike and I are soul sins, definitely.
I suspect that part of it has to do with fully accepting your shadow side and forgiving yourself for the perceived imperfections. It also has to do with learning to feel the sad feelings without intellectual interference. . . being sad when your heart has been wounded. . . and remembering that all things (good and bad) are mutable and impermanent.
It's too bad the emotional immune system doesn't have a valve on it to prevent both backups and flooding. I guess that's where logic and reasoning are supposed to come in, but sometimes it's awfully difficult to find a balance between everything that is "just right."
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