Monday, January 24, 2011
Little by little is something my friend Manuel says often. He is a very determined person who can pretty much accomplish anything he wants simply because he never gives up. I am so in awe of his ability to stay focused, keep his eye on the prize. Wow.
Me? I'm a quitter. OK, maybe I'm being too harsh. Let me say it more compassionately - when I see that something isn't working, my tendency is to cease and desist rather than continuing to bang my head against whatever it is keeping me from achieving my goal. Some things are not meant to be, right? Well??
Sometimes this approach really works. I know people (not Manuel) who have invested years and years of energy into jobs, relationships, situations that never went anywhere. Sometimes you really DO need to know when to fold 'em. When energy is stuck, in many cases, my tendency is to break up that stuckness.
I'm thinking about this today because I have been balking at the idea of watching the rest of the BBC series on Auschwitz. I watched two episodes which I found fascinating. Here on the blog I wrote that learning more about its history "only made me want to throw up once or twice." A couple of days after posting that statement, I was stricken by the stomach flu during which I wanted to do nothing but throw up for two days. The timing of these things feels significant to me, and, too, the body never lies. Did the mere act of touching the energy of Auschwitz make me literally ill? Clearly there was something traumatic about it.
In fact I'm balking at the idea of going to Poland. I'm afraid of how powerful that journey might be, that it might reduce me to jello. I'm experiencing some serious doubts.
I sent out a prayer this morning, a petition for some guidance around this. What came to mind immediately was the voice of Manuel, saying, "Little by little." I think that means I don't have to launch back into the BBC history of Auschwitz right away, yes? What do you think?
Bloody hell, even the preparation for this trip is SO strenuous. If I go, IF, may it be worth all this struggling, please! May it be so.