Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Sometimes I wonder
Maybe this just happens to me because I am essentially a contrarian. You tell me, OK? But sometimes I find myself defending a point of view I know nothing about, absolutely nothing. Sometimes I find myself defending an idea that I actually disagree with. I can't say for sure how I get into these conversations, because by the time I wake up and realize, for instance, that I really have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm already deep into it.
In the past when I woke up in the midst of one of these experiences, I was almost always too embarrassed to admit it. In my embarrassment I would push on even harder to defend whatever it was I was defending.
People who come to know me, those who love me in spite of myself, see right through me. I had a very good friend who used to stop me halfway into one of those conversations. She would say, "Ruby," (my nickname at the time) "Do you really know what you're talking about, or are you bluffing?" She always asked with such genuine curiosity, that it broke the energy completely. This great friend helped me learn how to let go, turn on a dime, when I was indeed just bluffing.
As I've gotten older, I've gotten a lot better at stopping myself, laughing at myself, and then admitting that I have no idea what I'm getting so vociferous about. But I still slip into those conversations. I wonder why? Maybe I'm looking for friction, heat, energy. Maybe I enjoy the spark created when two people disagree about an idea or philosophy. Maybe it's my martial art, my way of sparring. Who knows?
Sometimes, though, I wonder - what in the hell am I doing?