Thursday, January 31, 2008
What do you do when something scares you? Some people get big and mean. Their hackles stand up and they start growling. Others run away, like in the Monty Python movie.
My instinctual response is to freeze up, the proverbial deer in the headlights syndrome. I try to be invisible, a difficult task since in person I tend to be kind of ... what's the right word? Vivid. Yes I'm vivid energetically and visually, too, which means my attempts to become invisible are clumsy and ineffective.
Sometimes I get so scared that I freeze solid, like the earth during the 'dead' of winter, like the tin woodsman in The Wizard of Oz. I don't move a muscle for years at a time after a big scare.
One of my great teachers/benefactors told me that at this time of year, the Feast of St. Bridgid, also Groundhog Day, Candlemas (probably there are other names for this moment inbetween seasons), the sun cracks the ice in the heart of the earth to remind her that spring is on its way. I'm pretty sure that's why the tradition of watching for the groundhog's shadow is so enduring. Who doesn't want to sense the coming of spring during the darkest and coldest days of the year?
I feel a little like the groundhog this year, awakening from an extended period in the deep freeze. I'm like Rip Van Winkle, waking up from a long sleep. God is squirting oil into my frozen joints. It hurts to move my arms and legs, but it's important to do so.
My move to Capitol Hill - now almost seven years ago - involved a scorching betrayal and a big scare around survival. I hunkered down and though I've been restless at various points during these past few years, I've stayed put, because being frozen made me feel safe.
All that is going to change right after my birthday. My work situation is shifting dramatically, a Very Good Thing. Who knows what will follow that? Once an energy flow shifts, it tends to have an impact on all aspects of my life.
Though still frightened (it's part of my nature) things are moving, and I'm moving with them. It's about time!