Sunday, March 18, 2012
The Other Woman
As you might imagine, I spent years in psychotherapy trying to understand how it was that I ended up in so many love triangles. I believe I engaged a bit more often than the statistical norm, though maybe it seems like that because I felt bad about it. My therapist and I spoke endlessly, it seemed, about the original triangle of mom, pop and baby, about recreating that situation later in life in love triangles. It makes sense that I replayed the original triangle repeatedly, tried to get it right, since neither my mother nor father liked me very much.
But these sacred dramas in which we humans engage are never simple. In addition to the psychological levels, there were other energies at play. Oh the hormones! Oh. I was driven by my hormones back in the day. I loved sex, came of age in the late 60s at which time I dove straightaway into the sex-drugs-rock-n-roll lifestyle. Though I admit that "free love" (whatever that means) never actually worked that well for me, I tilted hard into it. Oh the hormones!
A medium said, once upon a time, "Reya, you have come into this life with a tremendous number of karmic contracts to fulfill. You will complete many of these agreements through love and sex." She also said, "Just remember: YOU DON'T HAVE TO MARRY THEM!"
If only I had listened! I was married twice and lived with a number of other partners with whom I believe I was karmically engaged. There is something very potent about a romantic relationship that trumps pretty much every other kind of connection with the possible exception of parent-child. I see the logic of monogamy. There are only 24 hours in a day; to participate in a love relationship takes a lot of time and energy.
A friend asked yesterday, is it a betrayal to get overly involved in work, with a hobby or activity? Are the people who get obsessed with sports or arts or activities creating a love triangle? Good question! I don't think so, because these activities are out in the open. Obsession with work or whatever can create imbalance that unfairly syphons energy away from the primary relationship, but these situations are not in the same league as love triangles. Not even close, at least in my mind.
It was the necessity for lying and sneaking around that got to me in every love triangle situation, no matter the particulars. It wore me out and squashed my self esteem like a cigarette butt under the heel of an army boot. Ouch. One of my great teachers explained that every time we lie (everyone lies) we are telling ourselves that we can't be trusted. Yeah. The fact that my lovers also lied and snuck around felt to me as if they were ashamed of our connection. Rationally I know they were doing the same thing I was, protecting the people around us from hurt while we explored the situation. Emotionally it didn't feel protective, just dishonest.
We humans are intense beings, driven by instinct but with a yearning to be rational and behave well, according to the rules. We come into this world with stacks of karma to contend with on every level, physically, mentally, emotionally. And of course we want to connect, to be loved, to feel love. We long for the magic of synchronicity, understanding (so rare, isn't it?) No wonder we flop around so often. Mistakes are made! Good lord.
At the conclusion of every love triangle in which I was involved, all three people were hurt, albeit in different ways. You would think I might have learned, over time. Maybe I'm learning now; I still hang out with couples, but it has been many years since I engaged romantically and/or sexually. Thank god. Onwards and upwards.
Happy Sunday. Shalom.