Sunday, March 25, 2012

It's not my fault



Brain scans show synchrony between the brains of mother and child; but what they can't show is the internal bond that belongs to neither alone, a fusion in which the self feels so permeable it doesn't matter whose body is whose. Wordlessly, relying on the heart's semaphores, the mother says all an infant needs to hear, communicating through eyes, face and voice. Thanks to advances in neuroimaging, we now have evidence that a baby's first attachments imprint its brain. The patterns of a lifetime's behaviors, thoughts, self-regard and choice of sweethearts all begin in this crucible. --Diane Ackerman from a piece in today's New York Times, "The Brain on Love."

That's some purple prose, hey? Ha!

It caught my eye as I continue to loosen the stranglehold my original wound has had on my heart/mind my entire life. My mother didn't want me, bond with me or "get" me in any way, and vice versa, frankly. It's no one's fault, it just was what it was. Is it any wonder that my romantic relationships were unimaginably dysfunctional? Good lord.

Life is short. What do I want to carry with me into old age? What can I leave behind when I cross the threshold to 60 next year? I'm seeing this year's work: letting go of issues and hangups I've struggled with my entire adult life. Don't get me wrong - I HAD to wrestle with these things. I had to explore, learn, listen to the siren songs of my demons. Engaging with these issues helped me gain a foothold into self-esteem, made me smarter, wiser, more grounded and kinder. I had to fight, listen, fall down and get back up again after each of the millions of battles.

But that was then. Enough already of this particular struggle, ok God? I'm serious. Help me let go. Thanks. Shalom.

5 comments:

Carolina Linthead said...

Your photos are beautiful, but they pale beside your spirit. The tulips burst forth, no longer held in by their bulbs, no longer covered over and smothered by the earth into which they were thrust by no choice of their own. They rise, they bloom, and they are glorious! Bloom on, Reya!

Reya Mellicker said...

May it be so!

Val said...

letting go of stuff - its exactly where i am too; big lessons to learn. love the symolism of the tulips x

Blackdice37 said...

wow.yes, please, let it be so
It is time.

X said...

Actually that wasn't black dice above it was me. X ....unless that is my sons identity on this computer...oy vey...how do I fix that? Anyway

I love this quote from that piece "But as a wealth of imaging studies highlight, the neural alchemy continues throughout life as we mature and forge friendships, dabble in affairs, succumb to romantic love, choose a soul mate. The body remembers how that oneness with Mother felt, and longs for its adult equivalent."

pretty powerful life mojo at that time.

I remembering holding my son in the hospital..it was like my body ached to have him next to my heart..all instinctive..not cerebral at all.

He adores me, and I him now, he loves pretty, smart, big breasted women (as do I.)

The imprinting of longing starts early.
you are right