Sunday, March 25, 2012
It's not my fault
Brain scans show synchrony between the brains of mother and child; but what they can't show is the internal bond that belongs to neither alone, a fusion in which the self feels so permeable it doesn't matter whose body is whose. Wordlessly, relying on the heart's semaphores, the mother says all an infant needs to hear, communicating through eyes, face and voice. Thanks to advances in neuroimaging, we now have evidence that a baby's first attachments imprint its brain. The patterns of a lifetime's behaviors, thoughts, self-regard and choice of sweethearts all begin in this crucible. --Diane Ackerman from a piece in today's New York Times, "The Brain on Love."
That's some purple prose, hey? Ha!
It caught my eye as I continue to loosen the stranglehold my original wound has had on my heart/mind my entire life. My mother didn't want me, bond with me or "get" me in any way, and vice versa, frankly. It's no one's fault, it just was what it was. Is it any wonder that my romantic relationships were unimaginably dysfunctional? Good lord.
Life is short. What do I want to carry with me into old age? What can I leave behind when I cross the threshold to 60 next year? I'm seeing this year's work: letting go of issues and hangups I've struggled with my entire adult life. Don't get me wrong - I HAD to wrestle with these things. I had to explore, learn, listen to the siren songs of my demons. Engaging with these issues helped me gain a foothold into self-esteem, made me smarter, wiser, more grounded and kinder. I had to fight, listen, fall down and get back up again after each of the millions of battles.
But that was then. Enough already of this particular struggle, ok God? I'm serious. Help me let go. Thanks. Shalom.