Saturday, October 15, 2011
Here ye, here ye
I can be a little bit of a jerk sometimes. I don't do it on purpose, nor am I usually conscious of what's going down until it's too late. Dang, man. As soon as I figure it out, that I've transgressed a boundary, behaved badly, or if I've in some minor way tried a pick a fight, I am very good at offering apologies.
You would think that, in this way, I would learn from the experience and move on. The other person almost always accepts the apology which means the episode is over. But no. I worry, I suffer, I flog myself (mentally) because somehow or another I believe I should have behaved perfectly. I should ALWAYS behave perfectly! Sometimes I am downright obsessed with guilt in the aftermath of what are truly minor transgressions even though, these days, I'm hardly ever really and truly mean. It's ridiculous actually because when other people behave without perfect aplomb towards me, I tend not to take it personally. I shrug it off and move on, but when I've snapped at another, bloody hello! You would think I had committed murder.
In Chinese medicine, small misbehaviors indicate an internal imbalance. The self-righteousness I was prone to earlier in life? The Sufi acupuncturist says that was due to lung heat. What a concept, hey? It's not a terrible character flaw, it is simply heat in the lungs. I don't even know what that means, but I like it, the idea that for those of us who mean well, small slips in civilized behavior can be treated with needles, moxa and/or herbs. Chinese medicine is no-fault medicine. I love that!
In addition to the end of my willingness to listen to complaints about weight, I'm adding a second decree: I'm going to stop apologizing. I mean I'm going to stop over-apologizing. When I'm an ass, I owe a sincere apology. It's important to pay attention, learn from the experience. But then, I will move on; I will cease and desist with apologing over and over and over again in an effort to redeem myself in the eyes of the person I offended. As if it's up to them! My goodness.
I got into the habit of apologizing after I left the witchy community. At the time it was a Really Good Habit because while I was involved in magic, I was a total bitch on a regular basis! I'm a lot nicer now. Time to break the annoying habit of over-apology, yes? I say YES.
If this post was offensive to anyone, I apologize. Once only, but sincerely. Onwards and upwards. Happy Saturday, y'all.