Thursday, January 10, 2013

To dream the impossible dream, and then - wake up

Roses, in January. It ain't right.

One of my friends (who is 61) told me it's a sign of my emotional maturity that I was able to wake up from my impossible dream of the glamorous and lonely 60th birthday in Paris. I admit I still want to go. It's crazy, but ... oh well.

Today I woke up from another impossible dream. I ran into a neighbor of about my age, out walking her dog. She went on and on about how much she loves her dog and oh my that dog was so sweet. He did that thing of leaning into my leg while I scratched behind his ears. It is such a sweet feeling when dogs do that. When I tried to stop, the dog (whose name is Sandy), howled briefly, leaned harder into my leg. Could I resist that? No, I could not.

Initially I decided it was A Sign that I should get a dog, that a dog - yes - a DOG would in some way distract me from the immanent arrival of my 60th birthday. I parted company with the neighbor and her dog after a prolonged chat, thinking I should start looking for a dog ASAP. Two blocks further into my walk, I ran into another neighbor who preceded to tell me the Very Long Version of her latest vet story, how they wanted to do some special kind of suture on a wound her dog had sustained in the midst of a dog fight at Lincoln Park. She laid out the details of how much it cost her in the aftermath, mentioning almost in passing the trauma of having to break up a horrendous dog fight.

Of course after that I remembered why I actually do not want another pet. Good lord.

I'm so vulnerable right now. I know Brene Brown thinks it's the best thing in the world, but it doesn't work so well for me. When I'm all open hearted and easily wounded as I am at the moment, I can almost talk myself into the craziest courses of action. Almost is the key word.

When I wake up from these impossible dreams, the sense of relief I feel is rather thrilling. Right now is an inauspicious time to decide to do anything dramatic. And yet, I yearn to do just that. I really do.

It's a crazy time, but I'm making my way through it, almost doing crazy shit, almost.

Shalom, y'all, from strange, unnerving and pleasant, summery Washington DC.

Looks like it's wearing a bow tie.


ellen abbott said...

60 is a big one. It might be worth doing something unconventional.

Reya Mellicker said...

You mean, like go to Paris?

Linda Sue said...

Go to London- people speak English there and London is awesome! Easy to get there and get around, easy to amuse yourself for free! Go there and do not get a pooch! I really love Dexter, mind you, and love has nothing to do with it- just...don't.

Reya Mellicker said...

I love London, and a good friend of mine lives there. But I don't want to go there. I want to go to Paris. Please do not ask me to explain why. Ok?

The Pollinatrix said...

Come to Taos :)

Or get a turtle.

Steve Reed said...

I don't think you should do something crazy, but I also don't think you should spend all your time talking yourself out of things. You only live once, Reya, you know? I'd be happy to have you stay with me in London, or I'd meet you in Paris. As for the dog, well, I wouldn't rule that out either, but that requires more thought since there's another being involved.

E Wix said...

Much as I adore Buster, do not get a dog --too much giving up your life in order to keep said pooch happy!
60 is ok, really it is.
Just imagine --you have lasted much longer than
E. Dickinson
J. Austen
J. Christ
too many soldiers (as you know)
blah blah blah
Just give thanks, behave badly (old ladies are allowed to)
and keep explaiing why you feel the way you do because it really is interesting.

Reya Mellicker said...

I know it's not rational, my emotional state.

Steve I will not talk myself out of coming to London - AFTER my birthday. It's a tight spot but I will prevail. I think!

Memory Echoes said...

I don't see how it's irrational to want a dog when one of your fears is growing old alone.

And in my experience, when the time is ripe for canine companionship, the right dog has a way of finding you. Your mileage may vary.

Your process is uniquely yours, and I won't attempt to intervene. I just wanted to tell you I think you're "improving" with age, so no worries. Sixty is as sixty does, you know?

rania said...

Dreams of Paris and a dog aren't all that crazy. And sometimes waking up from a dream is the best part.

But if you suddenly start talking about almost wanting a cat, or dream of almost relocating to a hot and tropical climate, then we'd have to worry.

Kerry said...

I'm with Steve Reed on this, and Rania.

I personally have trouble being dogless, but I know dogs aren't for everyone all the time...yet there are so many dogs that don't have the baggage that my Reuben has (and your Jake did too), baggage that is extremely stressful for an owner. Maybe one of those will find her way into your lap some day.

Before deciding to acquire a dog, one should research the breeds; they vary soooo much. Funny, I have an image of you with a greyhound. Why is that Reya?

Reya Mellicker said...

Rania - how true!

Reya Mellicker said...

Kerry I have no idea!