Life is good and I am grateful. I say it all the time. I feel it more now than ever in my rather long life. As a younger woman, I was always worried about something or another, and I do mean always. I lived in fear, sometimes acute fear, other times it was low-level, but it was there 24/7/365. When I think of my younger self, I always feel so sad for her. What an exhausting way to walk through life, good lord.
This is on my mind as I continue to think, meditate and pray in advance of the trip to Kansas City. A recognition of my happiness with life as it currently exists has welled up every day recently as I contemplate this ancestral pilgrimage I'm about to undertake.
My prayers reflect how strong I've become - spiritually, emotionally and physically. I'm really seeing how much courage it takes to dance with the energy of laying an ancestral head stone. When younger, I was so afraid, I was not brave enough to do this. But I am now! Oh man, no matter how humbling, how bewildering, I love getting older.
I've always been an old lady, just waiting to reach the age. Here I am at last. Cheers!
The trip to Kansas City looms large. It really does. But I can do it. I can't wait to do it. All I can say is wow.
Life is good and I am grateful. Shalom.
10 comments:
It's amazing how aging mellows us. Though I have to admit, I know lots of women of a certain age who still are mired in catastrophic thinking, so perhaps they haven't learned to act their age.
Not everyone mellows. You have to practice being light hearted before old age sets in. I've been practicing for several years. It really helps.
"I've always been an old lady, just waiting to reach the age." This is exactly how I've always felt; I've always, since I was a kid, looked forward to being old.
I love that photo, by the way. Perhaps ironically (or not), it has a very childlike feel about it.
Susan, I hope we get to meet sometime in "real life."
Me too, Reya!
You are mighty!
I can't wait to hear how your trip goes and what you get out of it. I'm sure it will be an experience!
Elizabeth:
We have no relationship.
I have had a wonderful year. My only unhappy moments have been about you stalking me even though I have asked and demanded that you stay away.
Those stones will never go anywhere near my mother's grave.
Get a life and STAY AWAY FROM ME.
I have learned, over time, and being a caregiver to many older relatives, wisdom (and patience and kindness and a joy of life) do not necessarily come with growing older. Every time I was exposed to impatience (which is a common trap when you have reduced powers to perform) or a snap short temperament (irritations) to remind myself "You don't want to be like that." Also a willful ill-will toward others who aren't facing death and will go on when you don't. More than I would like I have seen, or been told, of Biblical cruelties to family members as the aging person's final power bolt of hell is unleashed. Bette Davis used to say "Old age isn't for sissies." It takes a lot of work to seek those better qualities for your end. You can never start too soon.
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