Major revelations, while thrilling, also create a lot of chaos. This is occurring within me and outside of me.
I'm realizing I'm not actually a commitment phobe at all. I'm fiercely committed to my work, for instance. My tendency in the past to cut and run sooner rather than later was informed and colored by the memory from that life. It instilled in me the certainty of death, accompanied by relief. Get it over with has been a life-long motivating philosophy, not because I fear commitment as I have assumed my entire adult life. When I think of that memory, in the "showers," the confluence of profound relief with the certainty of imminent death, well, that's quite a filter through which to view the world. Death, all my life until now, has represented the good part, the escape, the relief. I depended on that memory in some crucial way. It became, over my lifetime, an organizing principle around which I spun out my personal values and ethics. Good lord. No wonder my favorite line in Titanic was, "It'll all be over soon."
I should say I've never been suicidal. I believe death is god-given and not to be controlled by us. I've always seen it not only as a blessing, but as THE blessing. Now I'm not as certain of this belief - and actually most of my beliefs.
Meanwhile in my external environment, things continue to shake down. My beloved West Elm living room rug has suddenly decided to disintegrate. It is unravelling, even when I'm not in the room walking across it. The unravelling spots do not correspond to furniture placement. It is so bizarre. Apparently I'll be rug shopping, too. First the clothing, now the rug, what next?
In an effort to be pro-active and dance in shamanic alignment with these goings-on, I've thrown out all of my essential oils, old boxes of teabags and anything else I can find that might be past its expiration date. I replaced my toothbrush, bought a new bar of soap.
What else can I do but go with the flow of the unwinding paradigm? Onwards and upwards, indeed!