Saturday, February 16, 2013

Rip Van Winkle

Steve (the great painter/artist great love, the one who died last year) is much on my mind, not surprisingly. At some deep, dusty level, below consciousness for sure until now, I always hoped he and I could sit down as old people and laugh about what happened between us. I imagined us feeling the passing of the years, recognizing how much water had washed under the bridge, etc. This subterranean wish for healing was powerful, even though I had no idea that's what I wanted - until now when, sadly, it's too late.

I don't know what karma is, so please don't ask me to explain, though I believe it's not a tit-for-tat kind of phenomena. My guess is that karma is extremely complicated, beyond our understanding. 

Certain experiences in life, and certain relationships, smell distinctly contractual. For me, that feeling - that an agreement has been made, typed up, signed and notarized and must be observed - when that feeling arises in a situation or with a person, I believe we have karma.

Steve and I had karma. Oh man, we had karma. My guess is that we still have karma. I guess we'll try to figure it out next time around. I guess.

It's interesting to think about. 

I googled some of the other people I knew when I was involved with Steve. Some have died, others have grown old, as any rational person would suspect. But seeing photos of them after all this time was a shock. I know this isn't original, but it was startling to realize that the years have passed for them as well. To see a pic of me might come as a shock to them, who knows? I've watched my own face gradually age - with gratitude may I say, because I like my sixty year old face. But somehow I didn't get that life was ongoing for other people, too. This is common for we 60 year olds, they tell me. We really are too big for our life spans. The soul does not age.

Whatever else sixty is - it is powerful! I'm not saying I've made peace with it, but something definitely shifted on my birthday. Thank God. And now, remembering Steve, I'm sad but the process is cleansing. It's unnerving and good.

Onwards & upwards. Shalom.

Slightly off kilter. Me, not the Capitol.


ellen abbott said...

I had to go back and read the previous post which I missed. I'm sorry you didn't get the chance to mull around in old age with him. I gather that he was older than you? I have a heart connection with someone that pre-dates Marc. It is a solid connection even though each of us chose different areas of the country to live in and different partners to live with. His wife told me once that she had a hard time with it until she just accepted that there was something that we needed from each other and we had never dishonored our relationships with our spouses.

Reya Mellicker said...

He would have been 72 yesterday.

tut-tut said...

Interesting that your birthdays were so close.

Sometimes it's hard to be totally kiltered!

Reya Mellicker said...

You can say that again, Beth.

Steve Reed said...

I often have that experience when I look at photos of my classmates or others I knew years ago. It's startling to see how we've all changed and aged. I wish you'd had a chance to talk things over with Steve once again. It's scary how quickly time can run out.

Reya Mellicker said...

Yeah. Carpe diem!