Saturday, February 23, 2008
Grasping at Straws
My heart is heavy today. Maybe it's the Connecticut weather, maybe it's sleep deprivation (too many scary dreams, not enough sound sleep lately), maybe it's sad news about someone who has been battling an illness for awhile, maybe it's watching old geezer Jake slipping every day a bit deeper into his dotage.
Or maybe it's something else, who knows? What I do know is that for me, sadness always triggers a sense of the precariousness of all the things I normally believe to be solid and unmovable. A glimpse of that truth, that all things must pass away into the next thing, scares me silly. My reaction is to try to grab on hard to something I can rely on, but in this state I understand there is never a guarantee of anything, not anything. Sheesh. All that grabbing but nothing to hang on to. Is this an existential dilemma? If so, how cool. Maybe it means I'm an intellectual.
I hate walking around sad and fearful like this. Oh well. Mama said there'd be days like this!