Saturday, February 23, 2008

Grasping at Straws



My heart is heavy today. Maybe it's the Connecticut weather, maybe it's sleep deprivation (too many scary dreams, not enough sound sleep lately), maybe it's sad news about someone who has been battling an illness for awhile, maybe it's watching old geezer Jake slipping every day a bit deeper into his dotage.

Or maybe it's something else, who knows? What I do know is that for me, sadness always triggers a sense of the precariousness of all the things I normally believe to be solid and unmovable. A glimpse of that truth, that all things must pass away into the next thing, scares me silly. My reaction is to try to grab on hard to something I can rely on, but in this state I understand there is never a guarantee of anything, not anything. Sheesh. All that grabbing but nothing to hang on to. Is this an existential dilemma? If so, how cool. Maybe it means I'm an intellectual.

I hate walking around sad and fearful like this. Oh well. Mama said there'd be days like this!

17 comments:

Gary said...

I have, of course, wondered why we must endure sadness and trials and down times but all I come up with is so that we can enjoy the happiness and elation of the good times. Something to compare it with makes us appreciate when things are going well. I think we all get bored when life is status quo, without the ups and downs. But I understand that feeling you describe which is unsettling and scary. I wish I were there to give you a hug and chat it out.

Reya Mellicker said...

Bored? I never learned how. I would like to. I feel your hugs, even long distance. Thanks!

wordwitch said...

Now it is my turn to send healing/healthy/warm thoughts to YOU. Picture yourself on a bench, sunlight soaking you and everything around you - filling your spirit and body with strength, love, and a nice solid rock to hang on to.

hugs,
Marian

Absolute Vanilla (& Atyllah) said...

I suppose it's a coming to terms with the fact that the only thing that is constant is change, that things come and go, the we are not our fears and our sadnesses despite the fact that they can affect us profoundly.

I send you love, comfort and very big hugs.

Lee's River/Zlatovyek said...

"Maybe it means I'm an intellectual."

You are an intellectual - hypersensitive one, at that. Only explanation I can think of - or is that a projection?
Take care, Reya. As the wise guy once said: "This too shall pass." (To which I answered: "yes, and so will my life".)

Thoughts of sunshine to you.

lettuce said...

hi reya - hugs from me too. i hope your heart and spirit lift soon.

you do make me laugh, even when you're down - "Is this an existential dilemma? How cool. Maybe it means I'm an intellectual."

:o)

Reya Mellicker said...

Thank you! I can feel the warmth and caring. Thanks!!

kimy said...

I hope there was a little reprieve from this sadness yesterday. it was wonderful meeting you thanks for taking the time.

I offer up thoughts, 'prayers' and healing vibes for you and the one close to you battling that illness. hugs to jake.

the day has dawned bright and sunny and I hope it helps break yesterday's heaviness.

d. chedwick bryant said...

This too shall pass... seems like you have been having adventures and getting out there going places...Va Beach etc, making changes-- we all have days where we don't feel Fabulous--some people call it depression, others call it ennui, frustration, or flatness--whatever it is to you, it will pass--you have a lot of people who love you and spring is just around the corner--I am so getting on a Amtrak when the weather turns nice--maybe mid April and heading for DC for a long weekend. I'll be encamped at some hotel within walking distance of Union Station- (a place with room service) and I'm going to have a super weekend --and we'll paint the town at least once.
let me know when the cherry blossoms are freaking gorgeous and I'll jump on that train.

Barbara said...

It's times like this when we begin to question why we're here, what our purpose in life really is. The good news is our memories of the down times slip away when better times take their place. Maybe some of the possible changes in your life will happen soon to erase the blahs that are weighing heavy right now.

Healing energy coming your way from someone who could use a little healing right now as well!

Reya Mellicker said...

Wow! Thank you all so much!

Steve said...

Days like this, indeed. I've been reading recently about the American pursuit of happiness, and how our culture teaches us that sadness is something to be avoided or medicated away. But as Gary said, how can we be happy if we're never sad? They're two things in relationship with each other. It's inevitable that days of one will bring days of the other.

If it helps, Reya, just focus on now. I get fearful about the future sometimes too, but the future isn't happening - and may never happen the way we envision it in our fearful moments.

Hugs from NYC. :)

Dumdad said...

I know the feeling - perhaps it happens to all of us. I try to grab onto the good things in my life when the veil of gloom flutters across my face.

d. chedwick bryant said...

Hugs and yes the package was finally shipped out today--via the US Mail... hope it gives you a chuckle plus!

Moonroot said...

It's horrible to feel that way. Sending you love & hugs.

Lynne said...

I hope you're feeling better, Reya! I know that feeling very well ... but it passes eventually.

Sending (((((((( HUGS ))))))))) your way.

Bob Dylan said...

sometimes we carry a worry in the back of our minds... when I don't pull that worry out in the open and confront it--talk to it-- it just sits back there and festers. It can make me feel "off" for weeks at a time until I just deal with it-- then I can breathe a sigh of relief.