Major revelations, while thrilling, also create a lot of chaos. This is occurring within me and outside of me.
I'm realizing I'm not actually a commitment phobe at all. I'm fiercely committed to my work, for instance. My tendency in the past to cut and run sooner rather than later was informed and colored by the memory from that life. It instilled in me the certainty of death, accompanied by relief. Get it over with has been a life-long motivating philosophy, not because I fear commitment as I have assumed my entire adult life. When I think of that memory, in the "showers," the confluence of profound relief with the certainty of imminent death, well, that's quite a filter through which to view the world. Death, all my life until now, has represented the good part, the escape, the relief. I depended on that memory in some crucial way. It became, over my lifetime, an organizing principle around which I spun out my personal values and ethics. Good lord. No wonder my favorite line in Titanic was, "It'll all be over soon."
I should say I've never been suicidal. I believe death is god-given and not to be controlled by us. I've always seen it not only as a blessing, but as THE blessing. Now I'm not as certain of this belief - and actually most of my beliefs.
Meanwhile in my external environment, things continue to shake down. My beloved West Elm living room rug has suddenly decided to disintegrate. It is unravelling, even when I'm not in the room walking across it. The unravelling spots do not correspond to furniture placement. It is so bizarre. Apparently I'll be rug shopping, too. First the clothing, now the rug, what next?
In an effort to be pro-active and dance in shamanic alignment with these goings-on, I've thrown out all of my essential oils, old boxes of teabags and anything else I can find that might be past its expiration date. I replaced my toothbrush, bought a new bar of soap.
What else can I do but go with the flow of the unwinding paradigm? Onwards and upwards, indeed!
Shalom.
6 comments:
You are really not stopping half way! Even new soap and a new toothbrush, apart from the new rug! Wow.
Yeah, what next? There is certainly something (or someone?) waiting for you on that next step onward on this life ladder. (You do know that Hesse poem, called STEPS I`m sure?) You are getting rid of ballast. There MUST be a new challenge for you. I am curious.
Thank you for writing about what's going on for you--I can't explain it, but I feel it's helping me understand aspects of my own inner life.
(I'm also cleaning out my closets and getting rid of worn-out home furnishings. Dancing in shamanic alignment? I don't know. Must find the Hesse poem.)
Yes I must find the Hesse poem.
Thank you both.
Angela - thank you!
STEPS by Herman Hesse
As every blossom fades
and all youth sinks into old age,
so every life’s design, each flower of wisdom,
attains its prime and cannot last forever.
The heart must submit itself courageously
to life’s call without a hint of grief,
A magic dwells in each beginning,
protecting us, telling us how to live.
High purposed we shall traverse realm on realm,
cleaving to none as to a home,
the world of spirit wishes not to fetter us
but raise us higher, step by step.
Scarce in some safe accustomed sphere of life
have we establish a house, then we grow lax;
only he who is ready to journey forth
can throw old habits off.
Maybe death’s hour too will send us out new-born
towards undreamed-lands,
maybe life’s call to us will never find an end
Courage my heart, take leave and fare thee well.
Good, isn`t it? This is one of my two favourite German poems (in German it is called "Stufen").
The other one is Rilke`s "Autumn".
Anything by Rilke!
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