More like the tortoise than the hare

Has this directional marker always been here on the east side of the capital? Really? I never noticed it before. So weird. I tend to notice these things. Oh well.

I am a very slow processor of information. I always have been. My tendency, when I need to make a decision, is to take in lots of information, let it all simmer in the back of my mind/heart. I sleep on it, think about it, pray about it, wonder, let go and then return to whatever conundrum I'm trying to resolve. When I give it time, I am much more likely to come to a balanced understanding and can make much better decisions.

Sadly, I live in a society of snap decisions. When I was younger, I was always in awe of the people who knew straightaway whether they wanted to say yes or no, who could make decisions within seconds or minutes. I wanted to be quick like they were.

I made many very bad decisions because I didn't really get how important it was for me, personally, to sit with ideas over time before deciding.

The night my ex husband proposed, I was so taken aback. It was the last thing I expected. At the time I was engaged in a torrid affair with a violinist. I believed my relationship with my then boyfriend was winding down, not ramping up. We had just been through a terrible era after which I really had no interest in staying with him. I was gathering my wits about me before vamoosing, but then he popped the question.

I remember saying, "Uh, uh, uh .... uh .... I don't know what to say!" He said, "You're supposed to say yes." So I said yes, with a lump in my throat and a very heavy feeling in my stomach.

It should not be surprising to hear that I was miserable in my marriage and that it did not last very long. Good lord.

I could tell more stories of poor decision making, but what's the point in doing that?

What I'm thinking about this morning is how grateful I am that I've learned to honor what works for me, even though I'm swimming upstream in my society by taking my time. These days, when I come to a decision, I can be fairly certain it's the best decision for me. I am grateful to be able - maybe should say determined - at last to give myself the time I need before saying yes or no.

One of my mantras these days is to say what I mean and mean what I say. In order to do so, I have to take time, think, sleep, wonder, pray, think some more. The people in my life who are sharp and quick and fast thinkers are at times quite annoyed with me. I don't blame them for wishing I could hurry up. However, it is such a relief to know in my heart of hearts that when I say no, I mean NO. When I say yes, I mean YES, with my whole heart and whole mind.

Honestly I am such a freak in my society. Oh well. Happy Friday. Shalom.

I love the cloud in reflected the window. Looks like a passenger in the back seat.