Ice Cold Thoughts, Frozen Dreams

What's left of last summer's geraniums. They were so much happier when they could live outside.

Allegedly I am "of peasant stock," at least that's what my mother always used to tell us. It was her way of saying, You're strong and hearty. Get out there and change the world! Hmmm ... does everyone have to translate what their parents told them in order to get the underlying message? I know I always had to.

Peasant stock or not, this super cold snap (the high temperature today will be well below freezing) is making me feel like a blue-blooded wimp. How do my blog friends and family who live in the midwest do it? Wow.

Last night I dreamed that my roommate brought all the dogs indoors - not just our dogs; they are of course always inside at night. But we have neighbors who leave their dogs outside for hours, even when it's this cold. I find it heartbreaking and confusing. What are they thinking? What, if anything, should I do about it?

Eventually the dream shifted from the fantasy of protecting all dogs from their stupid owners. What I remember is a scene in which I am eating the most delicious sandwich made with thick slices of sourdough bread.

I don't even like bread, but apparently I'm used to having wheat in my system. Whoa. Detox is a bitch!

Schnoz

I thought I was turning off the camera, hence the completely unselfconscious shot.

There's no doubt about it - my nose is my most prominent feature, oh yeah. When I was in middle school I had fantasies about cosmetic surgery to reduce its size. Thank God I was too young and my proletarian parents would never have approved. Thank God!

Over time I've come to appreciate many things about my nose. In addition to having ... uh ... character, and doing a bang up job of holding my glasses on my face, it does a splendid job sniffing. Smell is certainly the most highly tuned of my senses. My eyesight has always sucked, but my sense of smell? It is so good that I can smell on my clients whatever they had for dinner last night. I know anytime someone has had a cigarette, or a drink. Actually my sense of smell is a curse as well as a blessing. Sometimes I really would prefer not to know these things.

(Hmmm ... I do also have an excellent sense of touch, and I used to have great hearing before the days when my main focus in life involved standing at the front of the music venue du jour, getting blasted with sound, dancing around, drinking excessively. I remember that P-Funk All Stars show when we were so close to the stage that George Clinton jumped into the audience right in front of us and danced for awhile with my ordinarily shy friend Eric Chang. My ears rang for three days afterwards. That same thing happened (prolonged ear ringing) several times after seeing The Cramps. But I digress.)

What my nose has been doing since seeing the acupuncturist yesterday is helping me cleanse away what appears to be many many many many many toxins, multiple viruses and God knows what else. So far I've worked my way through two giganto boxes of kleenex.

I should have known it would be a dramatic healing when, after checking my pulses, the Sufi acupuncturist said, "Well. It has to come out." It. He is somewhat inclined to believe that what I'm suffering from are the symptoms of detox since I quit eating wheat a week ago. Wow. If it's this intense to get that out of my system, I hope I never eat anything with wheat in it ever again!

I'm going to work tomorrow. My theory is that somehow I will continue feeling better and better as I work. After my mega cleansing of the last two days, I can't imagine there could be much more goo left inside me. That's my story and I'm sticking with it.

Thanks Kenny!

One of my many unsubstantiated theories du jour is that in order to be a "good" healer (whatever that is) a person needs to cultivate a talent for healing themselves. The best healers, according to the cosmology of Reya, must experience the process from the inside out through illness or injury and subsequent recovery. What's that saying? Physician, heal thyself!

But I might be wrong about this. It might be another manifestation of my tendency towards romanticizing all things. It might be yet another way in which I try to integrate classical archetypes (in this case the archetype of the wounded healer) into ... well ... into everything.

I'll have to ask the Sufi acupuncturist what he thinks when I go see him this morning. Yes indeed I have surrendered to the reality that this virus is hunkered down and must be frightened away by needles, moxa and the moxie of the acupuncturist. I have fought hard against it for two weeks with no noticeable effect.

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em.
Know when to walk away, know when to run
You never count your money, when you're sittin' at the table.
There'll be time enough for countin', when the dealin's done.

It's time to lay my cards on the Sufi acupuncturist's table. I'm sick of being sick. I surrender! Oh yeah.

Eternally Recalcitrant

Anyone with half a brain, in my condition, would stay indoors today. Even the squirrels are tucked away in their snug nests. It's so cold, and even though Brother Wind has calmed down somewhat, he's still in a gusty mood - all of which makes time spent outdoors truly uncomfortable.

Add to that my discovery, after two days of work, that I didn't really vanquish that virus that was hanging around before Christmas. Or maybe this is a distinctly different cold I'm now suffering from, who knows? I'm hitting it full-on with all my herbal remedies, and holding my own (I think) but there's no denying I'm not 100% well.

So if I was smart, I would hang out indoors today, read my book, maybe do some laundry. Instead I'm headed out in a little while to run necessary errands like going to the bank, and unnecessary errands, like buying all I'll need to make a tagine chicken casserole this afternoon.

re·cal·ci·trant
Etymology: Late Latin recalcitrant-, recalcitrans, present participle of recalcitrare to be stubbornly disobedient, from Latin, to kick back, from re- + calcitrare to kick, from calc-, calx heel

1 : obstinately defiant of authority or restraint
2 a : difficult to manage or operate b : not responsive to treatment c : resistant
synonyms see unruly

Oh yeah. That's me.

Get Back to Work, You!*

Today is my first big ole regular, apres holidaze, day of work. I am so happy. Though I've never been a workaholic, too much leisure time is just not good for me. I need a reason to get up in the morning.

I like earning money and thinking of myself as a productive member of society. It's true that many of you produce a whole hell of a lot more than I ever have; still, I'm never happier than when engaged in good, satisfying work.

The times when I've become most seriously depressed were phases of unemployment. Too much time on my hands renders me inert, lifeless. My eyes glaze over and I end up just sitting, or sleeping. In the past, when depressed, I drank too much, smoked dope until I was blotto. Neither of those activities helped lift me out of my depression, oh no, nor did they inspire me to get out there and look for work. Makes me sad just remembering. Wow.

Today is FREEZING in DC. In a few minutes I'll cross the street to my office, place an extra blanket on the massage table (even though the room I work in is toasty warm.) I'll crank up the music, crack open a jar of massage cream, sprinkle essential oils on the sheets and put my hands on people.

Life is good and I am grateful.

Matt Groening is one of my all time heroes.

A Pervasive Sense of Peace

Chinatown gate.

I love January. Is that crazy? I especially love DC Januarys when they are cold like this year. A hard freeze settles the land, it makes everything just stop, a very rare experience in this busy busy hard-working city. All the gaudy Christmas lights will soon come down, trees will be tossed on the curbs. Folks will bundle up or hang out indoors. January is so still and peaceful. It is a pause, a time-out, like the small space at the beginning or end of a breath.

Of course the people pretend to launch back into a frenzy of busy-ness, but after the holidays finally end, no one really has the energy for anything more than a bluff. I know everyone goes back to work, but I have a hunch that folks spend a lot of the first week of January gazing out the window, drinking endless cups of coffee. All attempts to jumpstart the energy are fruitless now.

When March arrives the land will stir and so will the plants, animals and humans that live upon it. But for now, it's deep winter.

Ahhhh January! Welcome!!


Man playing a trumpet in Chinatown yesterday.

Yes I Can

HERE YE, HERE YE, great witnesses of all the realms!
I stand before you to set intentions for 2010 and beyond!

I intend to continue strengthening my character by softening my heart, giving the benefit of the doubt as often as possible, maintaining strong and resillient boundaries in my relationships with others. I will remember my kind word, my smile, my uplifting gesture. When fear or sadness arises, I will explore the source of those feelings without becoming mired within them. I will catch myself in the act of projecting on others, laugh it off and carry on. I will remember the voice of God calling me to count my blessings and shine a light in the world.

Brother wheat, you are a beautiful, powerful, historic grain, but you will no longer be a included in my diet. I honor you even as I choose, every day, not to eat all the foods you are a part of.

The year of Jake's death is done. I will put aside my mourning now and forever, and instead remember with happiness all the gifts that the years with Jake provided.

I will cultivate prudence; ie I will be less wasteful, more careful and attentive instead of indulgent. Prudence, at my age, is liberation. I see that now and I will behave accordingly.

Every day I will breathe, strengthen my core, stretch my arms, back and legs. I will remember that the earth holds me securely, that I am strong, that fear is transient. I will remember my capacity to be patient and calm, unhurried and unworried, poised and confident. I will remember how good it feels to laugh.

I say what I mean and I mean what I say!
Thank you, mighty witnesses for your powerful listening!

And ... Happy New Year!!